Dolphins Capture First Win at Home, Get Slammed by the Injury Bug

It took three quarterbacks to do it, but the Miami Dolphins were able to pull off the 29-17 victory over the Tennessee Titans on Sunday, earning the Fins their first home win of the season. That's the good news. The bad news? The entire starting roster is injured and out for the season! 

Everyone in the stadium knew Chad Pennington's surgically repaired throwing shoulder was as sturdy as eight-day old wet newspapers, but the Dolphins went with him over Chad Henne as the starter anyway. However, the Pennington Returns To Save Our Franchise! experiment went south pretty quick after he injured that shoulder two plays into the game.

Pennington was hit on Miami's first play from scrimmage, and left for the locker room after the next play and was never seen from again. There are reports that he will miss the remainder of the season.

Chad Henne's unanticipated benching lasted two plays, and he was able to come in and complete 19 passes for 240 yards and a touchdown. But late in the third quarter, Henne went down on his back after being hit, and limped off the field with a knee injury. He was spotted after the game on crutches and is scheduled to have an MRI on the knee today.

Looks like you picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue, because the injury news gets worse. According to the Sun-Sentinel, left tackle Jake Long suffered a dislocated shoulder while linebacker Cameron Wake reportedly injured his hip. Long is expected to get an MRI today to determine the severity of the dislocation. It's possible he could require season-ending surgery. Wake told reporters that he's fine, but he could miss Thursday's game against the Bears.

Brandon Marshall was uninjured during the game. But there's a high probability that he will punt someone in the groin if he doesn't get the ball enough in future games.

What Went Right: Third string quarterback Tyler Thigpen was able to rally the Fins after the team lost Chads Pennington and Henne to injuries. Meanwhile, the defense was able to shut down the Titans, who had quarterback issues of their own. After starter Kerry Collins was knocked out of the game with oldness a calf injury, the Dolphins rattled Vince Young, forcing him to fumble the ball and allowing Miami's offense to score on the very next play. Meanwhile, Vontae Davis crapped all over the much-ballyhooed Tennessee debut of Randy Moss, holding the receiver to just one catch for 26 yards.

What Went Wrong: In one fell swoop, the Dolphins managed to lose their two starting quarterbacks for the season, possibly their franchise left tackle for the season, and their defensive MVP for at least one game. Meanwhile, there's a perfectly good Richie Incognito sitting there as healthy as can be. We kid, of course* (*not really).

Now the Fins have to reshuffle their already struggling offensive line, and are dipping deep into the shitty quarterback well to find a living person to back up Thigpen. Reports have tied Patrick Ramsey, Chris Simms, Todd Bouman, Jamarcus Russel, and even Daunte Culpepper to the Dolphins, begging the question: WHY DOES JESUS HATE THIS TEAM???

What We Learned: We may or may not have found this team's future franchise quarterback. Thigpen is no doubt capable of big-ass plays. But he's also capable of big-ass blunders. He brings a lot of enthusiasm to the huddle, can make plays with his feet, and has a live arm. Here's to hoping he doesn't spontaneously combust during a game.

Next Up: The Fins will host the Chicago Bears on Thursday night. Miami has three days to prepare for a game with a brand new starting QB, no left tackle to protect this brand new starting QB, and also possibly be without their leading sacker. We just couldn't enjoy this win properly without the Football Gods intervening and ruining everything. Thanks a lot, assholes!