Last night, Kathy Griffin brought her special brand of expletive-ridden, Hollywood mockery to the Seminole Hard Rock Casino for a two-hour packed show. Yeah, so we called her an unfunny asshole for giving her one local interview to the Miami Herald. Did you really think we wouldn't go?
Anyway, last night, there was a lot of banter about her mother's love of muumuus and conveniently packaged (ahem, boxed) wine. She also got in plenty of Oprah jabs involving camel toes and Ms. Winfrey riding Gayle King into the desert night. She took time to mock Ryan Seacrest, an obvious lesbian. And she told so many vajazzle jokes, we wanted to cover our nether regions and cower in a corner.
And beyond the expected onslaught, Griffin cracked on Levi Johnston and why we should all respect Governor Charlie Crist. Keep reading for her jokes about South Florida. This should be good.
Listening to Griffin, you get the sense that every boring detail of your life would be immediately awesome (kind of like vajazzling) if Kathy was narrating the action. It's why hundreds of people will pay money to pack in like sardines to hear her rehash the same reality TV drama and celebrity gossip.
For instance, regardless of how many times you've marveled at the sheer absurdity of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, nobody re-tells the story of "dumb bitches who have every single classic symptom of pregnancy and can't figure it out" like Kathy.
And no matter how tired you are of listening to anyone wonder why a
semi-attractive, super famous bazillionaire didn't turn out to be a
saintly asexual, Kathy cuts right to the heart of the matter: "Who the
fuck wants to fuck that boring fuck Tiger Woods?"
Then there's the hilariously voyeuristic appeal of Kathy's back stories, such as a recounting of forays with everyone's favorite dumbass Levi Johnston. Last night, she recounted how "He did this magazine. It's for women. It's called Playgirl...(pause)...Okay, he did a gay magazine called Playgirl."
There's also the viciously funny way in which she tells of Elizabeth Hasselbeck's attempt at a fight on The View, her split-second response of "Bring it," and the furious "twatting" (that's "tweeting" in Kathy-speak) of fans that resulted in a spike in ratings for Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List.
But it was her bevy of South Florida-centric jokes that had the crowd most uproarious. She's stops in at the Hard Rock almost annually and last night, she professed, "I love this place. Greatest mix of casino high-rollers, gays, and Cuban mafia." South Florida's entire population of gay Cuban high-rollers must have been in attendance, because they were representing with applause and bursts of screaming adoration.
And then she uttered the truest thing she's ever said: "I think it's so great you guys have an openly gay governor." Neither Charlie Crist nor his spray-tanning assistant were available for comment.