Film & TV

Real Housewives of Miami, Episode 4: Let's Slaughter a Pig!

Last night's Real Housewives of Miami episode was pumped full of a lot of the same: Larsa complains about nannies, Cristy complains about Lea, both agree Lea's sense of style is not cute. Lea goes shopping with a friend and reveals the way she tries on clothing -- over the clothes she's already wearing.

Then when she wants to try on another new garment, she just layers it over the other clothes she's already trying on and the clothes she walked into the store wearing.. .and so on and so forth until she looks like she's preparing for a trek through the Alaskan wilderness in the middle of a tropically colored Miami boutique. Genius!

From which of Lea's celebrity friends did she learn this nifty trick? Certainly not Rick Ross! With his dapper, thick gold chains

and burly, double-chin-hiding beard, his sense of style is way too

refined for this kind of fashion-forward thinking. 

But enough of that fluff. On to the good stuff, like Alexia's husband busting open a roast pig carcass with a loud pop as Alexia

holds its legs open with two mismatched oven mitts. Now that's


But before that beautiful scene could blossom into the rose of reality that it truly was, we must begin with Alexia showing up to a pig farm in heels. And the pig farm smells really bad. But she'll deal, because Alexia needs to pick out a pig for a big traditional Latin dinner party she's planning. Alexia's husband chooses a Wilbur to kill (as Charlotte silently weeps in her web) with a slap of his hand.

Alexia promptly sanitizes her hubby's hand, because although they are in a slaughterhouse, they are not pigs! Someone corrects Alexia and reminds her that they are not in a slaughterhouse but on a pig farm. Then a man approaches with a freshly killed pig over his shoulder.

In the next scene, Philippe, Marysol's boyfriend, takes her to an empty restaurant, looks romantically into her swollen anus lips, and confesses to his lady-love that he asked her father for her hands.

Marysol is shocked! Her hands? What would Philippe want with her hands?! Is Philippe's real last name Dahmer? Did Marysol's father flip out when Philippe asked him if he could hack off his daughter's hands?

No, no, no! See, well, stutter, uh, see, Philippe was just, uh, stutter, trying to tell 'his precious' Marysol in slightly broken English, that, uh, that not only are the two of them both obviously avid Lord of the Rings fans (hey, where else did he come up with a creepy pet name like 'my precious'?), but that they're soul mates, and Philippe spoke to her father and can he, uh, have Marysol's hand in marriage?

Marysol is shocked! But says... OK! They decide to elope. In Aspen! And get married in the snow! But the snow will be gone and Philippe's visa runs out in just two weeks. Oh, poo! Hey, why don't they just get married in a week? OK!

Then Marysol tells Philippe that he always makes a slurping noise before he kisses her. She wonders why, because she's not a McDonald's milkshake. Oh, we know, Marysol. It's your mother, Elsa, who is like a milkshake. And we know this because: (1) she's delicious and (2) knows how to bring boys to the yard.

Or at least she knows how to bring boys like Marysol's nonsexual friend who just happens to be a boy to the yard (hey, it's a boy) to look at potential wedding dresses for Marysol's quickie wedding that neither one of them will attend. And all the dresses Marysol tries on to wear atop a snow-capped mountain in Aspen are sleeveless. This makes sense.

And other than the fact that it seems like Elsa truly enjoys embarrassing her daughter on camera (during this scene, Elsa casually blurts out that this is certainly not Marysol's first marriage), we get to learn only a few tidbits about our favorite cast member this episode, like:

• She doesn't like to fly.

• She likes the word lovely.

• She predicts Marysol will fall off a mountain during her wedding.

• She helped Philippe pick Marysol's ring and hid tiny, magical divorce papers inside it.

• She owns pants!

(Read more interesting tidbits about Elsa Patton here.)

Then comes Alexia's party, and what a fiesta del grande it was! Alexia's husband lays out his freshly butchered pig parts -- snout, tail, balls (the pig is female, but Larsa swears she sees barbecuing testicles, so we'll let her believe), and all on a grill.

Lea, a vegetarian, finds all of this repulsive and expresses it pretty verbally. This pisses off everyone else at the party. They are all Latin and all love pork. It's a big part of their culture. They practically eat it all the time. In the morning, they wake up, eat a pound of bacon, drink a strong cup of café con lechon, and then brush their teeth with ham paste. What's the big deal?

Lea still thinks it's vulgar, and her repulsion lights up the PETA signal (it's the shape of a "sea kitten," AKA PETA's term for "fish") in the night sky, alerting the animal right's group that it needs to charge Alexia's home stat with pitchforks and torches. Alexia's husband gets so frustrated with Lea's behavior that he starts violently hacking up the pig's flesh. Hey, is he the one who's related to Dahmer?

Everyone sits down to eat pig. Well, Lea, Alexia, and Larsa don't eat any pork because none of those ladies eats meat. But did you hear Larsa complain and be rude to her party hosts (she'd rather be nasty in private rather than actually express what she thinks about people to their faces) because they served pork? No!

And it's actually a good thing that Larsa is not eating any pork, because as she so kindly points out, Marysol is shoveling enough meat down her pie hole for the whole table. Then Philippe and Miss Piggy announce they're engaged! Yay! Everyone cheers to the happy couple. Lea then asks how long the two of them have been together, so she'll know "how long the marriage will last." Oh, and that she didn't "know that Philippe needed a green card!"

Everyone looks at Lea like they want to stuff an apple into her mouth, slowly roast her over an open fire, have a luau, hack Lea up into fleshy bits, and feed her to Hungry, Hungry Marysol.

This leaves us to mull over a very profound conundrum: From which of Lea's celebrity friends did she learn her manners?

Thank you, Rick Ross!

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