This Valentine's Day, Say It With Sex Toys

Valentine's Day is one occasion when most folks -- ​even those of us who like to live outside the box, then take a chainsaw to it until all that's left are infinitesimal flecks of

cardboard -- choose to go the traditional route, and showering our mates with flowers, candy, and BMWs. (Hint, hint.)

But this year, we thought maybe we'd spice things up. So we visited the Dixie Adult Megaplex to ascertain what new sex toys were available to gift our significant perverts others on V-Day.

We received an eye-opening tour from manager Kisha Scott, who was kind enough to show us what items were new, and who also taught us a valuable lesson: If it ain't broke, don't tie it up, put a gag in its mouth, and spank it. Well, that's what it sounded like to us. Don't judge.

"Valentine's is our busiest season," said Scott as she guided us towards one of the best-selling lines of sex toys. "The Fetish Fantasy line is extremely popular." She pointed (with her finger, thankfully) toward a display of strap-on dildos and harnesses ($34.99 -- $69.99). "There aren't that many left because they've been selling like crazy."

The boxes featured naked to semi-naked women all sporting artificial wood. Or in this case, silicone. "Silicone is the way to go," Scott informed us (not that we asked or anything). "It's non-porous, so it doesn't give infections and it is also easy to clean."

Speaking of silicone, one of the most popular sex toys of all time has come out with a silicone version that is also vibrating off the shelves. It's The Rabbit (don't lie, ladies -- you know exactly what we're talking about), and it's going for $59.99.

We asked Scott if men and women bought similar items when they came (heh, "came") to the store. "Men tend to buy body stockings, massage oils, blindfolds, and handcuffs. Women buy lots of edible panties, love coupons, and sex games," she explained.

We must have looked confused, because she stopped and asked, "Have you ever seen a body stocking?"

She led us to a display packed with packages (heh, "packages") featuring women clad in nothing but tits-to-ankle fishnet stockings. "These are really popular. They fit all kinds of body sizes and they make women look very sexy. They're also very inexpensive. Men can just tear them right off a woman's body. They get to live out their fantasies without feeling bad about it." We agreed that a body stocking would go quite well with a pair of handcuffs and a blindfold, but we suggested a paddle to round out the evening.

Another really popular item, Scott said, is the Blush Butterfly Stroker ($79.99). It's like the Swiss Army Knives of vibrators. Well, that's what we could gather from the package at least. It's not like we bought one or anything.

"Pocket Rockets are also big sellers. Even though there are other less expensive brands, people want the name. They come into the store and request it. These sell a lot."

Scott led us to a feng shui-harmonious display which featured several powders, lotions, and oils. And a feather duster, which is of course used for dusting the powder on your lover. Wait, what were you thinking?

"There is one new line of products that people are going crazy over," she said. "This is Shunga. They've pretty much taken over Kama Sutra. Well, not taken over, but they are its biggest competitor."

Like Kama Sutra, Shunga puts out a line of "romance products" like edible lotions, oils, powders, and more (even one that tastes exactly like chocolate).

We felt pretty enlightened as we were about to leave the store. "Also," Scott called out to us, "our $5 bullets are extremely popular." She pointed out a small rack from which the few remaining pocket-sized vibrators hung. "No one leaves the store without buying one."

She was right.

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