Film & TV

Dance Moms Comes to Miami With Routines Based on Chongas, Snowbirds and the Marlins (We Hope)

Cultist is getting its jazz hands ready; Dance Moms are in our midst! Lifetime has ordered a Miami-based spin-off of its hit show about talented torjeting tykes and their snide-remark-spewing stage moms that will be appropriately titled Dance Moms: Miami.

In lieu of Abby Lee Miller, the show will feature Stars Dance Studio and its instructors Angel Armas and Victor Smalley (a season six So You Think You Can Dance finalist) for a six-episode season, according to reports. And if the new spin-off will be anything like the original, that means even more hours watching hilariously themed dance numbers interspersed between scenes of well-coiffed moms fighting for dominance and getting into shouting matches with the teacher.

Inspired by the recent performance on Dance Moms called "Sassy Girls" (seriously, we can't make this stuff up), we propose six SoFla-themed routines for each of the new episodes -- and the ensuing mama drama. I mean, if Abby Lee is any indication, they are definitely all within the realm of the possible. We don't know if any suggestions come close to a dance last season about lost and abused children that featured one young dancer pretending to strangle herself, and another simulating getting stabbed in the stomach... but we can certainly say Miami features an exotic cast of characters to draw inspiration from. So have at it, choreographers:

Snow Birds
A lyrical group number set to a Kenny G piece. This

routine will feature the dancers moving in slow motion across the floor,

as the stage becomes more and more congested. Obviously the bedazzled

walkers that are to be used as props will not be sparkly enough, leading

to the choreographers to flip out at the moms concerning their lack of


A gymnastics-heavy duet set to a

smashing J Lo song. This routine will feature two dancers doing

no-handed cartwheels and back bends in and around larger and larger gold

hoop earrings emblazoned with the name of the dance studio. Meanwhile,

apropos of nothing, the moms will repeatedly threaten to leave the

company and seek out a new dance studio.

Spring Breakers
A musical theater group routine set to LMFAO. The maturity of the

subject matter - binging on alcohol and getting it on with strangers -

will inevitably cause a number of moms to question whether this is a

good idea while simultaneously doing nothing to stop it. After the

kiddos win first place, the moms will realize the choreographers know

what's best: having young children gyrate in sync on stage.

The Corrupt Politician
A clogging solo set to a lone trumpet. The dancer will wear a sparkly

tie/tutu combination, but when the skirt gets snagged right before the

competition starts, the moms go into panic mode attempting to duct tape

it shut. Enraged, the studio heads questions whether all the moms are


Burmese Pythons
An afro-jazz number set to a

Ke$ha song, where the dancers start in a small corner of the stage but

soon leap and jete until they are taking over the entire auditorium.

During the show, one mom has to leave early to attend to the needs of

her non-dancer child, causing the others to snidely comment on her

inability to prioritize.

Marlins Fans
A hip-hop group

routine set to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." A lavish background set

will be built, but then only one dancer will show up to perform. The

moms will bicker over whose kid gets to perform the whole routine on her

own, while griping during confessional that the teacher's pet always

gets chosen.

--Jordana Mishory

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.