If behind every great man is a great woman, then behind every great woman is a great bumbum.
It stands to reason, then, that the women with the greatest bumbums in the world would also be the greatest women in the world. Friends, we have witnessed these bumbums and can tell you this is the truth. Fair enough: Melinda Gates is fighting to eradicate malaria in our lifetime; Aung San Suu Kyi is perhaps the greatest hope to prevent genocide in Burma. But can either of these women catch a frisbee with her butt? Probably. But would they even want to?
The greatest bumbums in the world are assuredly those that won Brazil's prestigious and insanely popular Miss Bumbum competition. For those unfamiliar with the international phenomenon that is Miss Bumbum, imagine a TV program with a national importance ranging somewhere between that of American Idol at its peak and the Super Bowl, but instead of singing, there are jiggling buttocks, and instead of football, there are more jiggling buttocks.
The reigning Miss Bumbum, Carine Felizardo, was in South Beach this weekend and brought third-place finisher Camila Vernaglia along to dance and shake at Bamboo with New Times.
Fat Joe was there too, but bumbums are judged on quality, not quantity. Scott Disick was there, but while our own bumbum had swelled like the Grinch's heart by the night's end, proximity to great bumbums does not a great bumbum make. Second-place Miss Bumbum, Andressa Urach, was back in Brazil, likely performing life-saving surgery on some orphans -- using her bumbum.
Join us, won't you, as we overcome the challenges of a prodigious language barrier and the sort of awestruck tremors that overcome one when faced with nature's great wonders on the order of the Grand Canyon. Except in this case, it's two Grand Canyons side-by-side, and rather than being filled with pristine air, they are filled with tushy.
While there is currently no global bumbum assessment methodology, it's fairly safe to assume the best penguin in Antarctica is the best penguin in the world and that the best bumbums are Brazilian. OK, now you go watch the world's greatest Miss Bumbums do their stretches again, and we'll go take a cold shower forever. That hand is getting sealed in lucite first, though. Bye!