Five Reasons Why You Should Date a Thickette

Flickr CC JingDianMeinv
Who you calling big-boned?
A lot of us look like pears. We have thin torsos, wide hips, and thighs that can crack a walnut. That's because our bodies are full of pears, walnuts, and, on occasion, alright, we'll admit it, peanut M&Ms. And burritos. For those of us who prefer flavors other than protein powder, water, cocaine, and sadness, we'd like to take you back in the 1950s when us full-figured females AKA thickettes (Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell, and Sophia Loren) were all the rage. Now it's all about big boobs over a skeleton rib cage.

The XY-chromosomes recently blogged their Five Reasons You Should Date a Chubster and BTW, guys, ever seen The Honeymooners, The Simpsons, King of Queens, or taken a gander at Kevin Smith's wife or Jerry Ferrara of Entourage's ex-girlfriend? Yeah. You've got it real rough. God forbid the girl is chubby, though, right? Ugh. We only think it's fair that we offer up five reasons you should date a thickette.

Flickr CC JingDianMeinv, Vanessa Lua, and Watch With Kristin
1. Our boobs are made of actual flesh.
With so many people going under the knife nowadays (Grandma, seriously, did you really need a boob-lift?), isn't it kind of refreshing to touch a breast that can't hammer a nail into a wall? Homegrown and soft, we've got some stunning hourglass figures and butts, capable in some instances of launching a thousand ships. Plus, imagine all the money you'll save when you don't have to send your girl to Dr. 90210 so she can be nipped and tucked into a blow-up doll.

2.  We enjoy food (and life).

And we're not talking about Garfield-ing it by unhinging our jaws and downing an entire table of food, either. We're not gluttons. Or Kirstie Alley. But wouldn't it be kind of nice to go out on a date with a girl who orders something other than a salad? No? Then why do we always hear guys complaining about that? OK, then, wouldn't it be totally sweet to order something sugary and not have to share with a girl who claims she only wants a few bites? Then, when your Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity gets plopped down on the table, it becomes a competitive eating race. She won! You lost.

3.  No really, we really do have good personalities.
Yeah, and it's not the stereotypical one -- usually portrayed by Tina Fey (a former thickette herself) -- that entails a desperate, baby-hungry, Cathy-comic-strip reader who downs a whole pint of ice cream and then slow dances with her cat. We get that "great personality" is often code for ugly or fat. Fortunately, it's not code for boring, self-involved, or stupid. We'll take it.

4. Uh, we're pretty too.

We have eyes. We can see that Jessica Alba, Blake Lively, Sienna Miller, Kate Beckinsale, and Megan Fox are drop-dead gorgeous. But so are Christina Hendricks, America Ferrera, Kate Winslet, Scarlett Johansson, and Kim Kardashian (well, before the botox). Curves and pretty, too. Can you stand it?

5. Your bros won't want to have sex with us.

But really, that's fine. We like you better. Let those dogs have their bones.