Demetri Martin, Jennifer Aniston, and Jackhammer Sex

Just in case you're too lazy to pry your ass off the couch and go grab a hard copy of New Times, we here at Cultist do this thing every Wednesday that we like to call "This Week in Print." Basically, we do the skimming so you can do the reading without ever leaving the crusty, reeking confines of your dank little living room.

Anyway, this time around we've got an art party with Psychic Youth Inc., the latest word in the Human Rites debate, Demetri Martin teaching comedy, Real Housewife Jill Zarin's new book, Jennifer Aniston's search for a sperm donor, and Dan Savage's views on the art of jackhammer sex.

The first thing you homebodies should read is Night & Day's blurb about Ana Mendez's performance at the Miami Art Museum's Afterhours party this Thursday:

[Mendez] and fellow dancer Aja Albertson will perform Waking Spell, an improvisational dance set to spontaneous musical cues performed by Richard Vergez and Federico Nessi. Mendez explains that prerecorded footsteps will be their metronome and that some sounds will be left up to chance (think a teakettle boiling water and whistling).

The arty party continues with "Human Rites" at the Bass Museum, a riddle inside an enigma inside your suitcase. But as New Times art critic Carlos Suarez De Jesus reveals:

What does a baroque altarpiece depicting the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus have to do with a pair of incandescent pink and purple ghetto-fabulous sneakers? At the Bass Museum of Art, the answer is a fresh way of presenting historical and contemporary artworks side by side to pique interest and get people talking.

Important Things with Demetri Martin
Control - Good, Bad, Interesting

But if arty shit isn't your thing, wait till Friday to leave the house because Demetri Martin can help make you a better person when he brings he visits the Fillmore Miami Beach:

Martin is helping us all overcome our inherent humorlessness. Deploying an ever-expanding arsenal of graphs, charts, tables, logic games, and the like, this 37-year-old fan of fun and knowledge is teaching the world to laugh ... It's your last chance to get educated in the art and science of comedy so that people might like you someday.

Maybe, though, you want to meet a reality TV jerk in person and solicit some parenting advice from her. Well, lucky for you, Jill Zarin's gonna be stopping by Books & Books:

She has the voice of an angel -- one from the Bronx who smokes a pack day. She's the ginger-haired vixen from the Real Housewives of New York, and she has published a new book, Secrets of a Jewish Mother, co-written with sister Lisa Wexler and mother Gloria Kamen.

What? You don't watch TV? How about movies? Anything but the internet? Well, whatever ... If you're into entertainment of any kind, there's a chance you wouldn't mind wasting a couple hours on the new Jennifer Aniston and Jason Bateman movie, The Switch. According to critic Karina Longworth:

The Switch is most notable for its confident tone, which is unexpectedly not ha-ha funny; the sperm switch scene is the closest it gets to slapstick, and despite its sympathy for the socially awkward, it avoids the halting comedy of discomfort that's trendy (The Office, Cyrus).

And finally, we've got columnist Dan Savage addressing such serious sexual issues as whether a finger in the butt makes fucking better, why working out gives some people multiple orgasms, and what to do when you're a lesbian who's in love with a dude. Most pressingly, though, a woman named Holding on Tight wants to know how she can get her boyfriend to stop jackhammering her vagina. The Savage assessment:

There may not be anything wrong with your boyfriend's dick, HOT. Just as some women require intense, focused stimulation in order to get off (read: vibrators cranked up high), some guys gotta jackhammer to get off. If your boyfriend is one of those guys, HOT, then there's no bad habit to break. It's just something you'll have to accommodate.