Reports surfaced yesterday that movie director Michael Bay -- the Miami-lovin' man who directed the movie adaptation of the New Times story Pain & Gain, made Megan Fox famous, and, like a cruel yet determined supervillain, inflicts movie theaters across America with a new Transformers sequel every year or two -- was attacked while working on a movie set in Hong Kong. Rumor had it that Bay was hit in the face by two men wielding an air conditioner, and suffered hospital-worthy injuries but declined to seek treatment.
But this is Michael Effing Bay, motherbitches, he of fast cars and glistening muscles and explodey things. So he took to his website to explain how things really went down:
Hi, it's Michael.
Yes, the story is being passed around is not all true! Yes, some drugged up guys were being belligerent asses to my crew for hours in the morning of our first shoot day in Hong Kong. One guy rolled metal carts into some of my actors trying to shake us down for thousands of dollars to not play his loud music or hit us with bricks.
Every vendor where we shot got paid a fair price for our inconvenience, but he wanted four times that amount. I personally told this man and his friends to forget it we were not going to let him extort us. He didn't like that answer. So an hour later he came by my crew as we were shooting, carrying a long air conditioner unit. He walked right up to me and tried to smack my face, but I ducked threw the air unit on the floor and pushed him away. That's when the security jumped on him. But it took seven big guys to subdue him. It was like a Zombie in Brad Pitt's movie World War Z--he lifted seven guys up and tried to bite them. He actually bit into one of the guards Nike shoe, insane. Thank god it was an Air Max, the bubble popped, but the toe was saved.
To summarize: Some zombie-strength dudes came up on Michael Bay, and Michael Bay pulled out some ninja moves (probably including at least one sweet leg sweep) and dropped them and their hilariously unusual weapon to the ground. These dudes were all, "fight seven trained security guards at once? No fucking problem," but in the face of Michael Bay's physical prowess, they were reduced to pansy-ass moves like biting a dude's sweet Air Max sneaker.
Actually, scratch that:
Then it took fifteen Hong Kong cops in riot gear to deal with these punks.
Michael Bay: as strong as 15 professional police officers. Ever wonder what would happen if Chuck Norris had a baby with the Tommy gun from Scarface? Now you know: that baby would grow up to be Michael Bay.
So sleep well tonight, Miami. Michael Bay may be in Hong Kong now, but he'll be back home in Miami soon, protecting our streets from the bad guys and CGI robots who plague the city at nightfall. At the very least, he'll give them a solid shove and let security handle the rest.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.