How to Visit Cuba Without Pissing Off Your Cuban Parents: Part 1, Crashing for the Night

Fulano, the Miami Cubanaso, has all the know-how you second-generation Cubericans need to visit the motherland without (hopefully) getting disowned by your exiled grandparents or by your Bay of Pigs-veteran old man. Here's Part One: Crashing for the Night.

Bro, so you're totally Cuban, right? Pero you've never been to Cuba, so that idiot on the beach visiting from France said you were all confused, right? But he doesn't know shit because he doesn't know about Hialeah or Westchester.

Pero for real though, you want to see the island already, but your abuelos will disown you if you hand your money over to Castro like that. Bro, look, next time, tell them that you're gonna do it like this, so that the money goes to the people. And plus, this way you'll have like way more cash to get snatched out your pocket in Centro Habana.

Casa Particular
These are apartments where the people can rent out rooms, so you get to pay them directly. They gotta

pay extra taxes and shit, but whatever, at least they see some of

the cash, unlike hotels.

Buildings that have casas particulares have this little symbol over the

door that looks like some kind of crazy hieroglyphics or something.

We think it's so that, like the Espiritu Santo passes over those houses

as it goes around killing, like, the first-borns of capitalist

trouble-makers or some shit.

Trust me, inside, it's mad chill. You even get air conditioning. The government

makes it so that the room can't be all hood and shit. Sometimes you even

get a refrigerator.

Pero dog, don't let yourself get ducked out by those fake ones. Like, if

you're walking down the street and some come mierda sees you with your

bags and tries to drag you to his apartment and when you get

there, there's some old dude sitting there who the guy claims is his

abuelo, even though the guy's straight black and the old dude is white

with liver-spots.

You might get the room mad cheap, but the dude asks you to

keep the bedroom window closed so no one sees you staying

there. And then you find out that the toilet doesn't

work after like 10 p.m. Next thing you know a

water pipe busts in the building stairwell in the middle of the night

and you wake up to find the Amazon River rushing your bed and all your

things are soaked cause you left them on the floor.

What you've found is an

illegal casa. You could stay there and see how Cubans live for

real, but they can get busted bad, or the apartment can be a total

piece of shit. Plus, the guy who grabbed you on the street will usually

try to get you to cop them a bottle of rum or something for finding you

the place. Just look for the blue sign, bro. Then you know it's legit.

The casas particulares cost like anywhere from $10 to $30 a night, dog,

cheap as shit! In the pueblitos, it can be like, good luck finding one.

In Havana, bro, you know they're gonna charge you closer to $30. Also,

for a little more flow, they'll make you breakfast.

Next time I'll let you know where to eat for like a dollar, and

even if your old man calls you crazy, at least he can't bitch about

where the money goes.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.