So the Marlins are shut out of the playoffs again, and the Dolphins have yet to win a game. But when it comes to moronic behavior, South Florida is always the reigning champion. With our apologies to Tomas Regalado -- who, if you missed it, had a publicist brazenly lie to a New Times reporter about once raising funds for a convicted terrorist -- we're going to bestow our top Moron of the Week award to an accused armed robber in major need of a GPS.
The handsome fellow to the right is one William Gaston, a 55-year-old Cuban-born homeless roofer from Kentucky. (We swear, sometimes police reports read like absurdist poetry.) At 10:40 Tuesday night, according to cops, Gaston and a 50-something crony, toting a FedEx package, walked up to a home around the University Park area. When a middle-age man named Bernie Lugo answered the door, they pushed him inside and began pistol-whipping him. Lugo's 22-year-old daughter, Christine, who was sleeping in an upper bedroom, heard the commotion and came rushing downstairs, pleading with the men to stop.
The aged thugs herded them both into a bedroom and began "demanding cash and drugs." The bewildered victims responded "repeatedly" they "did not know what they were talking about."
From the police account, it seems Gaston and pal were trying to pull an Omar-from-The Wire in robbing an illegal drug operation -- but they had the wrong house. If the presence of a father and daughter didn't tip them off, an abuela certainly should have. As Gaston kept Bernie and Christine captive, his friend brought down 72-year-old Lucia Cabrera, Bernie's mom, and the aspiring robbers tied their victims' hands using plastic ties.
It wasn't until the suspects had scoured the entire house for a
nonexistent stash that they realized their mistake and freed the
family, "apologizing" for having "hit the wrong house," says the
One of the swell things about robbing drug dealers is
they will never call the cops. But law-abiding folk do -- and before she
had come downstairs, young Christine had secretly dialed 911.
Miami-Dade cops arrived en force, set up a perimeter, and quickly
caught Gaston. The police couldn't find his friend, but in the massive
search, they did stumble upon a neighboring home that contained a
"clandestine marijuana laboratory" -- and arrested the guy there.
have "not identified a connection" between the disoriented burglars and
the weed grow house, but we're pretty sure we see a link. We'd love to name
a co-honoree for this week's award, so if you see a white, 56- to 60-year-old man with long white hair and a medium build, perhaps studying
a map or driving around in circles trying to find that bank he was looking to rob, immediately call the cops.