How to Survive the Mayan Apocalypse, According to Author Rob Kutner

Doomsday preachers, sidewalk psychics, and apocalypse junkies have been predicting the end of times for hundreds of years. And yet, we're all still here, going about our daily drudgery without a hint of fire or brimstone. But what if the Mayans were actually on to something, and the end of the world is really upon us this time?

See also:

- Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide

- South Florida Survivalists Prepare for the Apocalypse

Should such a scenario present itself, we wanted Cultist readers to be prepared. So we spoke to Rob Kutner, author of Apocalypse How: Turn the End-Times into the Best of Times! , for some useful tips. Take notes people -- Rob's wise words might be the difference between life and death when you're battling a mutant rat for that last crumb of cheese.

Cultist: What are the most recognizable signs of impending doom?

Kutner: Shock, palpitations, anal leakage -- oh sorry, those are the side effects of impending doom.

What qualities should we look for in an end-of-times partner or partners?

As I talk about in my chapter on "Dating & Relationships: What If You ARE The Last Man on Earth," the apocalypse presents women with a new dilemma: Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now, or Mr. Right Behind Me With a Rocket Launcher and the Pelts of His Enemies. Men have the sole duty to procreate and move on -- giving them at least one chance to feel like they're in the NBA.

Where would you recommend riding out the end times?

Much of this has been covered by Walking Dead, which is basically one long HGTV show with slightly more brain-lacking home intruders. But my book covers the "Nine Most Likely Scenarios of How We'll Go." So to cover your bases, I recommend anywhere that's radiation-safe, hygienically sterile, robot/alien-proofed, and Rapture-sealed. And, of course, in a good school district.

Any survival tips for when you awaken to find the earth is scorched and the few humans left are battling to the death for scraps of food?

You may be late to the battle, but you're never too late to win over a crumb with some passive-aggressive snaps. Like "All that fatty red meat -- hope you don't miss being regular" or "A minute on the hips..." or "That's right, chomp chomp, Lady Cellulite."

Which celebrities do you think stand the best chance of surviving the apocalypse?

Sadly, the more chemicals you have in you, the fewer can be blasted in. Which leaves standing the cast of Jersey Shore, the Real Housewives, and 3/5 of Bruce Jenner. Or maybe I'm mixing up apocalyptic effect and cause.

For more handy hints on how to spend your last week on earth, you can pick up Rob's book at your local apocalypse survival kiosk (or, uh, on Amazon).

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.