On the Road: A Miamian in Arkansas

White people.

That was the first thing that went through my mind.

I'd been in the 3-0-5 for the last nine months. After taking a trip to Arkansas, I remembered that most of America is filled with white people -- beautiful, passionate, cordial, yet sometimes ignorant, white people. America is weird. And this is definitely a weird time to be in America. We're crumbling. We're not the most educated or driven. Although blessed, we're also a mess, especially culturally.

For example, the most popular restaurant in Arkansas is McDonald's. I waited 30 minutes to get served. I stood behind a Latina woman and her child. Listening to the Latina try and order food was sad. It went like this:

McDonald's Employee: Welcome to McDonalds. Can I take your order?
Latina: Que?
What do you want to eat? the worker asked.
(The Latina pointed to a Happy Meal.)
Hamburger or chicken?

I intervened. Quieres hamburghesa or pollo?
She wants chicken.

Hablas espanol? the Latina asked me.
No, vivo en Miami. Todos hablan español tan sé un poco.

You don't look Spanish, the employee said.
I'm not. I have Rosetta Stone.
Rosetta Stone.
I live in Miami.
Oh, neat.

da da ding-ding ding-ding ding-ding ding-g-g

(first ever dueling banjos onomatopoeia,

reverse-racism, yes. but a cool transitional narrative device)


I wanted from McDonald's was a caramel latte. They were out. After

waiting 30 minutes, and practicing Spanish, I left unsatisfied and

headed across the way to Waffle House.  


Welcome to Waffle House!                   

Let me save you from this crazy waffle world?            
Run away with me!
Come with me to Miami!
Are you sure?
The beautiful waitress strips off the Flo from Mel's Diner uniform and she's wearing a bikini. We run out the door and jump into my convertible, peeling out.

Can I take your order??
It snaps me out of my weird Zach Braff J.D. from Scrubs voice-over dream.

Um, how much for hash browns smothered all the way??


da da ding-ding ding-ding ding-ding ding-g-g


Arkansas, Walmart is like Mecca. People in Arkansas might not invite

the comparison, anything Muslim might anger the God of the Dueling

Banjos, possibly resulting in the sacrifice of 68 American sluts and a

Chevy Pick-up truck. Nonetheless, it sure seemed like there was no

better place to be than Wal-Mart. Two things stood out at this Mecca. A

majority of the people appeared overweight and there was a whole aisle

dedicated to "Hispanic Foods."

One didn't have to be Scooby Doo, drive a Mystery Machine or appear on Jeopardy to figure out the obesity issue.

What is "a direct correlation between all the McDonald's and Waffle Houses?"



the Hispanic Food aisle seemed rude.  Especially since it was like

mainly taco shells, an assortment of beans and a motley of spices. What

were they trying to say there, huh?

da da ding-ding ding-ding ding-ding ding-g-g


spending most of my time in Walmart, Waffle House, and McDonald's, I

decided to get some serious culture. My options were limited. There was

the Baldknobbers Jamboree Show or the Bill Clinton presidential library

and National Archives. What to do? What to do?

In all seriousness, Arkansas is awesome.

The Ozarks are amazing.

And the people are great.

CC: ArkansasRealtorsAssociation

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami