So sit back and relax as we present the following alphabetical list of Miami's best places to see buck-naked women. We'll not soon forget the erstwhile King of Diamonds, and don't bother scrolling down for the too-ritzy-for-consideration E11even, which steadfastly identifies itself as "a 24-hour ultraclub." But Miami has no shortage of locales where the ladies are extraordinarily adept at strutting their stuff and baring it all.
Bellas Cabaret85 SE 14th St., Hialeah
If it's a Latin flavor you seek for your after-hours entertainment, steer your Lyft driver to Hialeah, where you'll find Bellas Cabaret, which guarantees a memorable night out for residents and tourists alike. After closing for several weeks, the revered gentlemen’s club reopened just in time for the Super Bowl LIV nude rush. The dancers at Bellas are known for their friendliness — and if your party arrives hungry (for food), you can even order a round of croquetas for the table.
Club Pink Pussycat3900 NW 36th St., Miami
As you cruise on NW 36th Street, it’s nearly impossible to miss Club Pink Pussycat. The Pepto-pink edifice practically purrs for an Instagram selfie; even if you've never set foot inside, the exterior sticks out like a pink thumb. The interior is equally memorable: There are ladies everywhere. Club Pink Pussycat prides itself on employing the most beautiful young women in Miami — between the strip spot's raison d'être and its wallet-friendly happy-hour specials, your good time is all but assured. Be sure to arrive with a fat wad of cash: The clientele isn't shy about making it rain during dances, which are often accompanied by a live band and DJ.
Foxxy Lady Cabaret1792 NW 79th St., Miami
Spending a weeknight at the Foxxy Lady beats going home after work. The cabaret offers the dual experience of a strip club and a sports bar, allowing you to keep tabs on the game and watch asses shake at the same time. Foxxy Lady falls on the more affordable end of the local strip-club spectrum, with $10 lap dances, a $5 cover on weekdays, and recurring drink specials. Oh, and the Lady prides herself on her full-friction VIP rooms.
G5ive Miami337 NW 170th St., North Miami Beach
G5ive Miami is the place to be Tuesday nights (and very early Wednesday mornings). The club resides in the heart of North Miami Beach and is a favorite among locals. Expect to be greeted by a constant rotation of shot girls and dancers urging you to burn through your savings. The dancers at G5ive have perfected the art of twerking. Nude lap dance, anyone?
Gold Rush Cabaret7770 Biscayne Blvd., Miami
If you're looking to keep things classy but don't want to fritter away Junior's college fund on a girl who introduces herself as Desire, Gold Rush is a fine option. The place bills itself as a "proper" cabaret, but that doesn't mean you won't see nude women on display. Dance-floor fiends, take note: Gold Rush is a combination strip club and nightclub, so you can squeeze in a lap dance or two between dance dances. Perched on Biscayne Boulevard at NE 77th Street, the club pumps reggaeton and hip-hop sounds, which means high-energy entertainment is always on tap. The dancers here know what they're doing, so expect expertise on stage and pole alike.
The Office250 NE 183rd St., Miami
Most people assume the best time to go to a strip club is at 2 in the morning, but the Office offers a day party that can’t be beat. Here, the happy hour commences at noon, which makes it supereasy to stop in for a drink special and lap dance-fueled lunch break. Hip-hop reigns supreme here no matter the time of day, so there's always a soundtrack conducive to tossing dollar bills. The dancers and waitresses at the Office make you feel right at home, and the lemon-pepper wings are worth an extra tip.
One Gentlemen’s Club333 NE 79th St., Miami
Who says New York is the city that never sleeps? Miami strip clubs don't give a damn if you have to work the next day. One Gentlemen’s Club is a favorite among Miamians who treat Monday evening like Saturday night. Infamous for holding the hood down, One is a preferred option for weekend-averse party people. Mondays at the Uno include $5 drinks all night, and ladies enjoy free admission till 11 p.m. You might have to explain to your bosses why their emails have gone unanswered and that important presentation isn't finished yet, but bear in mind there aren't many places where you can down a $5 Hennessy shot while getting a lap dance. Your job can wait.
Shadow Cabaret66 E. 25th St., Hialeah
A newcomer to the local strip-club circuit, Shadow Cabaret has quickly made a name for itself. This late-night Hialeah hang stays open till 5 a.m., and in keeping with its status as a Miami strip club, it boasts a Scarface-themed room. Plus, the Shadow has already made national headlines for hosting a golf tournament at Donald Trump's resort in Doral.
Tootsie’s Cabaret150 NW 183rd St., Miami
At Tootsie's Cabaret, you might be lucky enough to spot Miami-strip-club enthusiast Drake enjoying shoulder rubs and eating wings in the VIP area on the second floor. Toronto's pride and joy has shouted out the famous strip club several times in songs, making it a must for pop-culture strip-club connoisseurs. Tootsie’s sets the standard for dinner and a bare-ass show: Whether it's the gorgeous dancers and hosts or the wide-ranging menu offering pasta and wing selections, you'd be hard-pressed not to find something you enjoy. The club's two floors separate the general-admission guests from the VIP clientele, but regulars here know the vibes on the first floor are unmatched.