Yes We Can Get Laid

If you’re ranking the world’s best party demographics, young progressives easily make the top three, just behind pagans and just above people on sinking ocean liners. At the Blue Party fundraiser that the Miami-Dade Democratic Party is hosting Saturday night at Avenue D (8 S. Miami Ave., Miami), you’ll see all the fun stuff that conservatives are trying to get rid of: cupcakes, a sea level lower than the top of the Freedom Tower, a lack of bullet wounds, blue balloons, and sexy, young, progressive people who want to make out with you. “But,” you may be saying to yourself, “as a young progressive, I believe in justice and human dignity, which is why no one will ever make out with me. I’m terrible.” Fortunately, in addition to live music and an appearance by Congressman Joe Garcia — the Spuds MacKenzie of the 113th United States Congress — the Blue Party will feature a date auction. Bandage that hand, sweep up the shards from your mirror, and get someone to love you already. The dates up for bid include the board of the Miami-Dade Young Democrats, some of their best-looking friends, and a few former Obama staffers. And this isn’t some dumb thing where you pay your money and your date’s ogre of a boyfriend sits in the row behind you and flicks the back of your head every time you try to get fresh in the cinema; Rachel Johnson of the Miami-Dade Democratic Party swears to us that “nine out of ten dates up for bid are single, and the other one’s relationship is troubled and on the edge.” Plus, dating a Florida progressive certainly beats the alternative. For example, Gov. Rick Scott’s turn-ons include undermining Florida environmental protections so that troublingly high numbers of dead dolphins, pelicans, and manatees have washed up along our polluted waterways in the past year. Dead manatees are a total boner killer, which is very much at odds with Scott’s pro-life stance. Boners are people too. Tickets cost $20 in advance, $25 at the door and $50 will get you into the VIP section with an open bar between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m. and a goodie bag. What’s in the goodie bag? Probably the promise of a better tomorrow to share with your fellow human. All tickets include a free drink ticket. The party starts at 6 p.m. Visit
Fri., July 26, 6 p.m., 2013