Miami's five best Christmas parties

Oh, Christmas! It's that feel-good time of year that's filled with good friends, close family, pretty lights, big trees, strong egg nog, huge yule logs, nice carols, sweet hymns, odes to Jesus, and all kinds of "ho, ho, ho"-ing from a bearded fat guy who's addicted to selfless acts of charity.

Of course, most people are kind, well-adjusted individuals who like to spend the season wearing silly sweaters, watching sentimental movies, chitchatting with loved ones, and stuffing their faces full of delicious food.

But we at New Times are professional party people. And true pros don't take fucking holidays. So if you wanna find us between December 22 and 26, we'll be wandering around half-naked, getting wasted, and hitting the pit at these five Christmas ragers.

Sketchy Holiday Party. Thursday, December 22, 8 p.m., Lester's, 2519 NW Second Ave., Miami; 305-456-1784; Admission is free. Ages 18 and up. This cheery indie scene get-together, hosted by Beached Miami and Sketchy Miami, promises "live art, music, seasonal beer/wine, and food" — not to mention a raffle, collectible postcards, and "slices of Joey's Santa-worthy pizza."

Probably, though, there won't be a pit at this party. Well, unless you mean a swirling mosh of sweaty sketchers fiendishly scribbling last-minute Christmas cards to the estranged parents they haven't called since September's rent was two weeks past due.

Merry XXX-Mas, a Christmas (((Shake))). With ¡Mayday!, Ashworth, A-Train, and Rob Riggs. Thursday, December 22, 10 p.m., the Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; Admission is free till 11 p.m. or $10 after. Ages 21 and up. Crucifixion, genuflection, self-flagellation — Christian people (especially those Roman Catholics) are the OG sadomasochists. And if you wanna honor the kinkiest of Christmas traditions, just meet (((Shake)))'s she-devil Santa Claus mascot at this Thursday's Merry XXX-Mas bash.

Dreamed up by delightfully demented local graff artist Ahol Sniffs Glue, this holiday demon dominatrix is a horny, horned broad with bright red skin, a fluffy white beard (plus matching pubic hair), a face like rotten fruitcake, two drooping boobies, a long barbed tail, and beautiful blond hair.

C'mon, it's time to celebrate the birth of Christ just right. Go get dominated.

A Space Christmas Eve. With George Acosta, Edgar V, Louis Puig, Patrick M, and Dsan Powell. Saturday, December 24, 10 p.m., Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-375-0001; Tickets cost $20 to $30 plus fees via Ages 21 and up. Spending Christmas Eve at Space is just like any other silent night. Except you're severely intoxicated, you're dance-humping a stranger, and you totally can't hear the snow falling on treetops because of that incessant uhntz, uhntz, uhntz.

Destroyio Records' Free X-Mas Punk Show. With Enough!, Vice City Rockers, To Be Hated, Heartline Fits, and the Talking Dogs. Sunday, December 25, 9 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; Admission is free. Every Miami street punk's favorite party crew and record label, Destroyio, would like to invite you to "come spend X-Mas with your dysfunctional punk rock family!"

But if you've never skanked in December, here's a preview of Christmas with a bunch of hardcore delinquents: It's loud. It stinks. The tree is on fire. And the only way to extinguish that big, burning bush is to shake up an entire 12-pack of PBR and spray tons of suds on it.

Unfortunately, Churchill's has a strict no-tree policy. But still, To Be Hated's Johnny Love is predicting chaos and a clash with the cops, screaming, "Santa's going to jail!"

Climax Tribal X-Mas. With DJ Alexander, hosted by Sookie Stacks and Christopher Richards. Monday, December 26, 5 a.m., Mekka, 950 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-371-3773; Tickets cost $15 to $20 plus fees via Ages 18 and up. Wanna creep out your grandmother really, really, really bad? Just jump onto the table during Christmas dinner and growl, "Climax Tribal X-Mas!" while making an X sign with your arms and thrusting your pelvis at precisely 160 bpm.