Miami's best spots for sexy time under the starry sky

Unless you are under house arrest or bedridden with bronchitis, there's really no reason to have sex indoors. Walls are so Topeka-ish.

We live in a subtropical paradise with very loose morals. There might not be a better city in the world in which to penetrate a friend in the fresh air.

Our lawyer says we should remind you that outdoor sex is illegal, and if you get caught porking in the Everglades, don't call us for bail money. We asked Norman Kent, a local attorney who specializes in the defense of clients accused of public sex, how to avoid getting cuffed for muff-in-the-rough.

"The trick of the matter is if you're, say, an older man," Kent explains, "and a hot, good-looking person comes up to you and hits on you in a public park, and it seems too good to be true, it probably is. It's probably a cop trying to induce you to engage in behavior or conduct that you would never consider otherwise. "

Yeah, whatever, esquire. Officer Pamela is just totally into us.

So anyway, here's where to, you know, do it:

Haulover Beach: The upside to having sex at Miami's only "clothing-optional" beach is that everybody is already naked, and if you go into the water, nobody can see you (unless they're wearing goggles), and there's just a lot of gray area there. Who's to say you weren't simply hugging your friend — from behind — and it slipped in? The downside to having sex here is you'll get sand in places even the bravest urologist or gynecologist won't traverse. And also jellyfish. Evil, evil jellyfish.

The men's bathroom at Mansion: There are a couple of obstacles to getting it on here. The foremost is the nosy bathroom attendant, who is sick of spray-tanned people fornicating in his workplace but is also the easiest person to bribe in Miami-Dade County ($3). The second hurdle is persuading your more-scrupulous companion to carnally intermingle in a stall puddled with vomit while LMFAO blares overhead. But to drop your dragon-embroidered jeans and lift your partner's minidress over her hair poof and copulate in a standing position in these environs, well, it's the Miami version of scaling Everest. Shots! Shots! Shots!

A car on a suburban street in Kendall: The upside is the air conditioning and NPR. The downside is that a cop patrolling the burbs is probably extremely bored and has plenty of time for lengthy interrogations and painstaking paperwork. He will treat your Nissan fling like a criminal conspiracy. Your mug shot will end up on the Internet, and the temp agency will never call you again. On the other hand, Diane Rehm's voice is just an irresistible natural aphrodisiac.

Don Shula's Golf Club: Share a steak dinner, a loaded baked potato, and six or seven gin martinis and then slink out back to the unlit golf course, where the expertly cut grass is cool and comfortable. Just watch out for sprinklers. We know it's fantastical, but we do enjoy the idea of Old Man Shula himself gingerly lifting a thong out of a sand trap with his nine-iron the next morning, craning his head to the sky, and screaming, "Kids!"

View the results of the Miami New Times Sex Survey.

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