Sports

Miami Sports Fans Don't Care What You Think of Them

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It's not our fault we live where you set your screensaver.
They're baaaaack! Twitter accounts around the globe are once again upset at Miami sports fans for, well, not being more fanatical. They want all supporters of Miami teams to feel bad about themselves and admit that they are failures in sports fandom. If they had their way, all of Miami's teams would be awarded to Las Vegas, Montreal, Seattle, or another fanbase that deserves them more.

Well, all that smack talk has fallen on deaf ears. From ticket prices to operating on Miami time, here are five reasons Miami sports fans couldn't care less what you think about them.

Y'all Sound Crazy

What defines a "good sports town" anyway? Throwing beer cans at players? Yelling racial slurs at opponents? Cheering when your opponent is elbowed in the face and is bleeding profusely? Is that what you need from Miami sports fans? Violence?

If so, we can recruit some extra-special fans to sit behind your team's bench if you'd like. We'll even start a GoFundMe to make it happen if that's really what you really want. But that's not really what you want, considering how the internet freaked out when some rich lady at a Heat game gave Chicago Bulls Joakim Noah double middle fingers. Your yelling from the upper level does not make you a better fan, or more intimidating.

The Real Miami Is Out of Frame

In every city, the seats seen by TV viewers are occupied by the 1 percent. In Miami, those seats are reserved for the 0.1 percent. You need to be Rihanna or a resident of Star Island to even sniff the rarefied air around those seats.

Those empty courtside seats at last week's Heat game? No, they do not represent a lack of fans. That's why Miami sports fans do not take offense when commentators start commentating when the camera pans past a bunch of empty seats in the middle of the first quarter. Why? Because the true Miami fanbase is yelling at the TV screen at Flanigan's or at their tio's house in Westchester. Right now, the real Miami is just happy they can afford the $88 ticket up top with a little left over for $15 beers. So please stop obsessing about some millionaires drinking free tequila and chatting with celebrities in the Club level during the first quarter.

Relax! We Will Eventually Make It

Even if the lower level might be running on Miami time, they will arrive. Eventually.

That's more than can be said for most NBA fans: The Miami Heat consistently ranks in the top five teams in the league when it comes to total attendance. Tickets sell. It's not about getting people to show up but getting them to show up on time that's the issue. Miami traffic and drivers certainly don't help, either.

Chances Are Your Family and Friends Moved Here

Miami is called Miami only because renaming it "That Place Everyone Immigrated to in the Middle of the Pandemic" doesn't really roll off the tongue. In Baawston, generations of sports fans grew up alongside your Uncle Tommy and Cousin Lori passing down their love for the Celtics. In Miami, you can play Duck, Duck, Goose, asking random people on the street whether they're from here, and by extension, whether they root for Miami sports teams.

We understand that it sounds like nails on a chalkboard when Miami fans start chanting "Let's go, Heat!" in your home arena. But if you think that's bad, imagine if every home game in your city sounded like that.  Imagine if you had to sit (and live) beside all these obnoxious sports fans from other places, who are also partly to blame for the skyrocketing cost of living. Welcome to Miami.

We Have a Lot Going On

Be mad, Kansas City. Throw things, Philadelphia. Tweet your dad about it, New Yorkers. Miami has so much going on every single weekend that even an NBA playoff game has to compete for attention. Miami sports fans are very sorry your Whataburger's shake machine is down and all that's left to do is hit up a Spurs game. Go yell at the Alamo about it, and stop blaming us because we live where you set your screensaver.

If you're mad about Miami not being a good enough sports town, it's probably because you're watching our teams on television, and not yours. Reassess yourself. Look inward. Miami isn't — and has never been — concerned about your opinion anyway.