The arrival of Balls of Fury on local screens is an extraordinary event that calls for an extraordinary approach to film reviewing — namely the following test. Here at New Times, we understand that predictability can be an underrated part of the moviegoing experience. So we've decided to test your powers of prediction. In other words, you've never seen Balls of Fury, but we bet you already know all about it. Read on, and find out!
1. Balls of Fury is a movie about:
a. A former table tennis prodigy (Dan Fogler as Randy Daytona) enlisted by the FBI to infiltrate the underground Ping-Pong tournament of a legendary Chinese criminal (Christopher Walken).
b. Suppository jokes.
c. Little worth discussing and even less worth seeing.
d. All of the above.
2. In his first leading role for the big screen, Fogler, a Tony Award-winning actor (The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee), can best be described as:
a. A comedic genius.
b. Killing time until his agent gets a call from Judd Apatow.
c. A cross between Jack Black and Richard Simmons.
3. Because the FBI agent who approaches Randy is played by a Latino (George Lopez), he will be made to say:
a. "¡Maricón!"
b. "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
c. "Nigga, pleez!"
d. "Say hello to my little friend!"
4. When Randy undergoes intensive Ping-Pong training at the Happy Mu Shu Palace ("If Mu Shu fits, wear it!"), his guru, Wong (James Hong), offers the following inscrutable advice:
a. "Be as the cricket."
b. "The cheeks cannot hold the smoke. That is what it is."
c. "Ping-Pong is not the Macarena."
d. "I miss you, Victor Wong."
5. Are Chinese people funny?
a. Yes.
b. No.
c. Totally, like with those weird little sticks they use to eat and everything!
6. As Feng, the criminal mastermind/Ping-Pong enthusiast, Walken can best be described as:
a. A comedic genius.
b. Killing time until his agent gets a call from Judd Apatow.
c. Ka-ching, bitches!
7. When Feng's Amazonian henchwoman offers the services of sex slaves to Randy, it's funny because:
a. They're dudes!
b. They're dudes who scream like little girls.
c. Oh I get it: sarcasm. Lighten up, homo.
8. Maggie Q costars as:
a. A pair of breasts.
b. A pair of breasts that know kung fu.
c. Who's Maggie Q?
9. Balls of Fury is best viewed:
a. At the multiplex.
b. On an airplane.
c. Loaded.
d. Never.
10. Balls of Fury is to The Sound and the Fury as:
a. Freddy Got Fingered is to Finnegans Wake.
b. Borat is to Austerlitz.
c. Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle is to The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson.
d. Superbad is to Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus.
11. Balls of Fury belongs in the tradition of:
a. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story and Blades of Glory.
b. Enter the Dragon and Fists of Fury.
c. The Karate Kid and Big Trouble in Little China.
d. Wu-Tang Forever.
e. Ka-ching, bitches!
12. Balls of Fury was written by:
a. Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant.
b. A racist monkey.
13. Balls of Fury should have been directed by:
a. Don't hate. Mr. Garant did a lovely job.
b. Stephen Chow.
c. Jacques Rivette
14. This review is:
a. As lazy as the movie under consideration.
b. Lazier than the movie under consideration.
