Hey there, newcomer! ¡Bienvenido a Miami! Our beaches are a year-round paradise, and our water is tranquil. Ibiza trembles with envy at our clubs. Anthony Bourdain lies awake at night, tormented by the sheer power of our restaurant scene. Everyone is attractive as hell.
Oh, and also literally no one here cares about anyone else. Probably should mention that part too!
Miamians' basic indifference to the welfare of their neighbors is an obvious fact to anyone who has survived rush hour on the Palmetto or a scrum for street parking in South Beach. But now it's been scientifically quantified.
A new survey out today shows Miami came nearly last in a ranking of America's "most caring" metropolises. Of the 100 largest metro areas, the Magic City came in 93rd. In case you suspect the suburbs of Dade County are a bit more charitable, they're not: Hialeah came in 92nd.
"Caring" isn't an easy judgment to rank, but WalletHub compiled its list by crunching a host of data its experts believe adds up to a snapshot of basic human compassion.
The study was split into three categories: caring for the community, the vulnerable, and the workforce.
Miami fared worst in that first category, coming in second-to-last in the nation in terms of our commitment to helping the community (trailing only St. Louis). Miami and Hialeah tied for the third-least volunteering hours per capita and also ranked terribly in crime stats such as violent and property crime rates.
The 305 didn't represent much better in the other two metrics, scoring 84th place in "caring for the vulnerable" — which considered poverty rates, adoption rates, and homeless services — and notched a middling 57th in the workforce category, which looked at per capita jobs for professions such as nurses, physicians, and mental health counselors.
Of course, many of the problems highlighted in the study are so deeply entrenched that the average Miami resident can't do much to affect them. If you know how to solve skyrocketing rents, raging inequality, and a sluggish nontourism-job sector, please call your local politician immediately.
But there are plenty of other local steps everyone could take in 2017. Volunteer once in a while. Lay off your horn on the highway. Take a minute to meet your neighbors, and maybe offer a helping hand.
Or else, you know, fuck it — those beaches aren't lying on themselves, after all.