Farts stink, they certainly do,
the more that you smell em', the worser for you,
the more you release em', the better you feel,
so be sure to fart after every meal.
Here's our Top 10 list of the worst fart producing foods on the planet.
10. French Food
Sure the French gave us the Statue of Liberty, but that doesn't mean they don't secretly hate America.
All those sauces on the plate may end up sauces in your pants.
Cheesy French onion soup, steak and fries, mushrooms, frog legs, fatty duck, goose liver, butter snails, tripe a la mode...Never take a date to a French restaurant unless they really like your ass.
9. Smoked Oysters In A Can
First of all, these are canned in cottonseed oil, an industrially produced food type product valued for its cheapness that can also be found in mayonnaise and crisco.
In many cases, the oysters are farm raised, which sounds nice, but is ugly when it comes to the amount of oyster shit they're swimming in. Welcome to fart city.
8. Collard Greens With Ham Hocks and Bacon
This one is delicious, but deadly. Collards are a bitter, fiber-intense super green that have a very distinkt smell when you cook them.
Add on some fatty meats and you've got the recipe for building your own fartopolis.
7. Biscuits and Gravy
Some say that gravy originated in ancient Egypt. What do you think Tut's revenge was when they opened his tomb? A 3,000 year old fart.
Gravy is something like a thickened, semi-liquid version of everything that causes farts in the first place, concentrated, and lumpy.
Sop it up.
6. Brazilian Rodizio or Churrascaria
These all you can eat meat fests include items like steak wrapped in bacon, turkey wrapped in bacon, and maybe even bacon wrapped in bacon.
Servers magically appear tableside whenever you run out of food and restock your plate. They cut the meat directly off a giant skewer.
Eating more than your fill is encouraged and sides like salad, rice and beans, pineapple, and cooked bananas keep everything moving.
On the way home, drive with the windows down. The burps and farts from a night out like this may be with you for days.
Some people think "curry" is an actual substitute term for flatulence, like, "Dude, I just curried loud as shit," or "Damn, what the hell did you eat? Curry ass motherfucker."
It comes in many different styles, flavors, and combinations all over the world, but the end result everywhere is always the same.
4. Stuffed Boiled Cabbag
This one actually kind of smells like fart while it's cooking, except the fart version is very much worse.
Multiply that times the fartocity of whatever you stuff it with and you've got a recipe for disasster.
3. Smoked Fish
Want to ostracize yourself, piss off your family, make an entire busload of people uncomfortable, ruin an elevator ride, or make sure nobody ever sits next to you?
Eat a full week's worth of smoked fish three times a day.
2. Greenbean Casserole
Good thing your grandma Betty is sort of deaf. At least she doesn't hear you laughing every time she thinks she's getting away with ripping one of her classic 30 second fartathons.
Wait, she does think she's getting away with it right?
1. Pickled Eggs from the Gas Station
There is a reason they sell these at gas stations, it's because they turn you into one.
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Especially deadly when combined with the pickled sausages they are usually sold next to.
There's no telling how long they've been sitting there, where they came from, or if they've just been reusing the jar to make their own for less.
One thing is certain, and you already know what it is, so enjoy, but be careful.
And finally, always keep in mind the story of Jack Brown, he's the dude that's now departed, took a shit and thought he farted.