We have been to the mountaintop and returned with this: the most Miami-tastic news story ever.
Bang Bus porn star "Ramon" -- famous for his giant penis -- was arrested last week for keeping a menagerie of suffering farm animals locked in a vehicle on a 90-degree day.
Last Monday afternoon, Miami Police responded to complaints of a "child crying" in a van parked in a lot at NW 37th Avenue and Seventh Street. Officers found a whole annoying Christmas song full of animals crammed into the van and deprived of water:
- eight roosters
- four guinea hens
- four pigeons
- four goats
- one duck
The goats were tied up in plastic bags, which sounds horrific, and one of them was dead.
As cops were investigating the scene, 46-year-old Raul Armenteros -- better known to masturbators as Ramon, who has made a career out of having sex with women in the back of vans as they tool around Miami -- and 44-year-old James Arroyo strolled up and said they owned the animals.
They were arrested on charges of animal cruelty and booked on $110,000 each.
Armenteros was arrested in 2009, records show, for battery and tampering with evidence, charges which weren't prosecuted. We're blaming James Arroyo for being a bad influence. The guy has been arrested more than 32 times, with charges including cocaine possession, tampering with physical evidence, petty theft and larceny, and grand theft.
This is one of those stories that makes no sense at first. But there must be a reason why a porn star was driving a van filled with live animals stuffed into plastic bags, and we will not rest until we know that reason.
Here's the police report:
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