Everybody can unclench their assholes now.
The Miami Heat are fine.
LeBron James decided to remind the world once again that he does, in fact, have the biggest dong of them all. Behind a 34 point, 10-assist performance, James led the Miami Heat to a 98-93 win over the Oklahoma City Thunder last night, avenging their loss from a week ago and sending a message to Heat nation that everything's cool, baby.
Dwyane Wade finished with 19 points. And while he showed no ill-effects from his sore left knee, he did at times look like he was drunk. He missed lay ups, committed unforced sloppy turnovers, and at one point began to shoot three-pointers like he just had no fucks left in his fuckbag to give.
Chris Bosh, meanwhile, continued to play basketball like an old man taking a piss. He was tentative with his jumpers, sloppy with the ball, and when he did decide to attack the basket, it looked like he was doing it because he was told to and not so much because he wanted to. Bosh basically attacked the rim like it was that butthole looking monster in the desert that ate Boba Fett in Return of the Jedi.
And yet, even with an abysmal 4-for-14 performance, Bosh was still able to hit what was essentially the game-winning shot when he hit a jumper with a minute left to play.
DEEP THOUGHTS BY CHIS BOSH, RAPTOR:
Things didn't start out so well for the Heat in this possible NBA Finals preview extravaganza-palooza. They kicked things off with a quick 6-0 lead, but that quickly evaporated when OKC decided to play defense and the Heat started to once again play Weekend At Bernie's basketball, as they have been in the last several games -- including their last meeting against this team when the Thunder throttled them in Oklahoma City two Sundays ago.
At one point in the second quarter, Miami found themselves down by 11, and ceiling and cooling fans everywhere were being switched on in preparation for all the shit that was going to be hitting them.
Serge Ibaka was blocking shots with impunity. Kevin Durant was hitting his shots in stride. Kendrick Perkins was scowling at everyone like an asshole. Everything was going the Thunder's way.
And then.... it happened.
First, with five minutes left in the first half, Perkins fouled a driving Dwyane Wade when, instead of looking to swat the basketball for a block, he swatted Wade in the head.
Minutes later Russell Westbrook, who has taken the title of Most Punchable Face In The NBA from defending champ Big Baby Davis, took LeBron down with a hard foul that should have had him ejected, had the game been officiated by people with the power of sight.
A flagrant-2 or not. Russell Westbrook done fucked up.
Both teams looked to get into a rumble before the refs stepped in. As Westbrook talked trash towards the Heat's bench with his stupid derp face, LeBron calmly knocked down his free throws, and began to plot how exactly he was going to smash the Thunder in the face with his cock.
The whole scene got the home crowd super-mega pumped, while LeBron got ready to unleash his Cobradick. James ended the first half with a jumper at the buzzer, as if signaling to Westbrook and the Thunder and everyone else in the world, that he was about to strike down upon them great vengeance and furious anger.
With all the criticism James took after the Heat lost to the Thunder last time (not to mention the repeated shit rained down on him from the Haterzzzz) , it was time to once again release the Kraken.
James created space to hit jumpers with ease, knocked down three-pointers, attacked the rim with ferocity, and took vicious shots from Thunder defenders, sideline photographs, and referees. At one point, LeBron had to get his back worked on while on the sideline.
LeBron wasn't content with bludgeoning the Thunder into submission with his shots. He wanted to ritualistically disembowel OKC with his whole game. Because James isn't just a scorer (*cough* DURANT ... *cough* KOBE ...). He defends all five positions, he attacks the boards and he is capable of some of the sweetest passes you'll see this side of Magic Johnson.
Even when the Heat's late-game nine-point lead began to dwindle, and the Thunder roared back into things with a 10-0 run led by Kevin Durant's silky smooth jumpers and Russell Westbrook and that permanent expression on his face like he's taking a painful shit, you just knew LeBron wasn't going to let things go down the way they did last week. And he certainly wasn't going to be intimidated by a couple of turtle-dicks and their silly flagrant fouls.
LeBron was LeBron last night. A force of nature that has perfected the Art of Badassery.
The Heat host the Memphis Grizzlies on Friday. Tipoff is at 7:30 p.m.