With the SUPER COLOSSAL ZOMG! CYCLO-SNOW-FRANKEN-PERFECT-MEGA-SUPER-BLABLAZO STORM OF THE MILLENIUM bearing down on the Northeast, the Dolphins crushed the hated Jets 30-9 and rode out of town just before the storm stranded them. Bad. Assssss.
Everyone felt their anus collectively clench the minute Tannehill hobbled off the field after the Dolphins' 2nd offensive series (and early reports are that he should be okay and ready to play next week) and that everything would fall apart, but this Dolphins team is showing surprising resiliency under head coach Joe Philbin. Instead of withering away like a piece of powder-y, week-old dog feces, the Dolphins actually played angry, focused and mistake-free football via fantastic special teams play and tough defense on the way to their third win in a row. THIS WINNING STUFF IS AWESOME!
Let's hit the highlights:
- As we said, special teams play set the tone for the game as the Dolphins successfully recovered an early onside kick up 3-0 in the 1st quarter then Jimmy Wilson blocked a Jets punt that bounced right into the hands of rookie Olivier Vernon as he waltzed into the endzone. Balls actually bouncing in our direction in ways that benefit us!!! Amazing! That blocked punt/score was the first the Jets have had against them since 1984, which is a crazy ass long time by NFL standards. On the well-designed play, Tebow was left alone to block either Nolan Carroll or Wilson and he chose to go with Carroll freeing Wilson - a guy once tried (but acquitted) for MURDER - to block the punt. One play earlier, Wilson also notched his first career sack on a safety blitz. You might say Wilson was fuckin' KILLIN' IT out there but you also might not want to use those words around him.
- The Dolphins D played fantastic as well, limiting the Jets to 105 net yards rushing, forcing 2 turnovers and keeping the Jets' 3rd down efficiency at a pitiful 29%. Any time the Jets offense got even a little bit of momentum (very rare), the Dolphins defense flicked the Jets in the penis causing them to fall the floor as we laughed and pointed. The pass defense is still absolute refried ass (how the Hell Clyde Gates managed to secure 7 catches for 82 yards is beyond me) but the Dolphins D can hold its own against any team with average QBs and receivers.
- Rookie QB Ryan Tannehill went down early with a left thigh/knee and that was very very very ehscary - especially because no Tannehill means Matt Moore (a nice enough backup QB but a person that we've long considered to resemble a marionette puppet) is your starting QB and that is never a good thing. Not in any situation ever. It also means that the Matt Moore Apologists took to Twitter to show their COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL AND FACTUALLY INACCURATE support for their hero:
- A special New Times shoutout to Dolphins Guard Richie Incognito who - in all his glory and awesomeness - blew several kisses at the Jets bench in the game's final minutes much to the delight of every Dolphins fan. The guy is fucking nuts and he's kind of a lose cannon at times but he exudes SO MUCH AWESOME.
- Finally, kudos to the CBS camera crew for showing the most deeeeliiiiccciouss shots of Jets fan sadfaces all over the stadium as we proceeded to shatter hopes and dreams left and right. Is there anything better or tastier than Jets fan tears??? No. No there is not. So here's a short gallery of a few of the better shots during the game plus a scaaaaaarrry, Halloween Joe Philbin to round things out:
SO. DELICIOUS.
What did you think of that, Scary Joe Philbin??
Yeeeeesh.
The Miami Dolphins next take on the Andrew Luck-led Indianapolis Colts in Indy this Sunday at 1p.m.
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