I’m a real estate agent living and working in South Beach, and while my job requires me to dress very conservative by day, when I go out at night I like to wear eyeliner and blush on my cheeks to add a little drama to my look. I’m straight as an arrow but my friends have been clowning me, saying that I look like a queen. I so disagree, plus I think that I look hotter with the makeup on (I can’t believe I just called it makeup). Anyway, I would love to wear something that looks more natural, but I don’t even know how to do all that - I bought the stuff that I have from Walgreens. My girls keep saying something about going to the mall, but I don’t want people to see me buying cosmetics. Help?
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So you like to wave a magic wand (your trusty eye pencil or blush brush) and transform into something fierce, huh? I feel ya, Matt. Kitty hates to leave the house without the same accoutrements; and a diamond stud – or a Latino one. The point of makeup is to play up and accent your best features, or minimize the ones you’re less fond of; so you’re absolutely right that it can give you a far more striking look than your daily suit and tie uniform. Some would say, “Ya want drama, wear a cape!” I say that those folks are boring, and if a stick of Barely Brown eyeliner and a tub of Dusty Rose blush make you happy, so be it. Believe it or not, lots of guys start out their day by swiping on products like concealer, foundation and, gasp, mascara. Good Charlotte’s Benji Madden rocks the faux tear stains, Pete Wentz is known for his eyeliner obsession, Marilyn Manson paints his whole scary face, and allegedly, Brad Pitt is also an easy, breezy, beautiful cover boy. Dude, that guy got Angelina Jolie, so you can tell your annoying buddies to go to hell. Of course, I haven’t seen you in full war paint (or without, for that matter), but I can bet that your friends may be a little jealous of how pretty you get. Half the guys I know could benefit from the tender loving care of a few beauty products, or at least a squeeze of moisturizer and a fingerful of Carmex, and your crew probably isn’t much different.
So, you know that I love you and think that you should continue doing what makes you happy, right? But I have to ask: What the fuck do you mean, you don’t want people to see you buying the makeup?!?! Mothafucka, people are seeing you wearing it, and they’re either thinking you bought it or stole it from some chick! So Matt, you need to eat that insecurity, because your secret is out. And since it’s out, you might as well mosey on over to a department store’s cosmetic counter and get some help from a professional. Yes, your friends are wrong for saying that you look like a queen, because the only thing that can truly make you one of those is taking a you-know-what up the you-know-where. So, until you actually start cornholing, it could be possible that your dry-faced friends are telling you that you’re wearing way too much makeup. Take their oh-so subtle advice and get thee to the nearest department store. Clinique and Givenchy have fab men’s lines, so head to the mall during weekday mornings when the counters are less busy and get yourself a consultation. And pick me up a bottle of Miss Dior perfume while you’re at it.
Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.