Last week on Dancing With the Stars (or DWTS for brevity's
sake) America had a referendum on what it meant to be a 'star' and kicked off
Elisabetta and her partner of indistinguishable European descent. Sorry Betta,
you were gone too soon! And by 'too soon' we meant before we could popularize
'Betta' or 'Betta World Peace' or 'Betta Off Dead' as a nickname for you.
This
week's theme is 'the most important year of your life,' a theme that was
unnecessary as it was uninteresting. Who will be the worst dancer this week?
(Spoiler: It's Chaz. It's always Chaz). But the best part about last night's episode? No middle-aged women flashed us their boob.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl are up first. Did you know that
Rob has a giant tattoo of Christ with a crown of thorns on his upper arm? Now
imagine the Kardashians at church. Do they go to a special church only for
reality stars? We like to picture that the pews are separated by stars of Bravo
and stars of E! (stars of VH1 are not allowed in this church). Rob's year is
2003, when his dad of OJ Simpson defense fame died. Remember the OJ case?
Hopefully Kato Kalin will be in the crowd one week. They get a 24, presumably
allowing Rob's father to pass into the afterlife in peace.
Chynna Phillips and Tony danced to Wilson
Phillips's "Hold On," which honestly seems like a cop-out. She justifies
it, because her year is 1990 when the song blew up and she got over her daddy
issues and stopped boozing and doing drugs and met a Baldwin. Do we all get to
marry a Baldwin when we get sober and forgive our fathers? Because if so, dibs
on Daniel! Chynna and Tony got a 26, largely for not subjecting the audience to
one of the Carnie-centric Willson Phillips songs.
Chaz Bono and Lacey decide to do a rumba in honor of this
year, because God bless Chaz for being who he is and fighting back against the
Transphobia he is subjected to. Though honestly he should be a little less
concerned with Transphobia and a little more concerned with trans fat (we are
so bad!). Chaz dedicates the dance and all 18 points to his father, the highest
score Chaz has gotten thus far.
Kristen Cavallari and Mark dance to "Crazy in Love," a bold
move as no white girl has ever danced to Beyonce ever before, earning a 24.
Carson Kressley and Anna dance for 2003 and Queer Eye For the Straight Guy.
Ironically Carson talks about how bitchy and mean the judges are while
celebrating the TV show that made him famous by being bitchy and mean. The judges overlook this hypocrisy and
give them a 23.
JR Martinez and Karina got a 26, Nancy Grace and Tristan do
a slow dance that ensures we don't see any areola this week and only get a 21,
and Ricki Lake and Derek dance in honor of the past year getting a 27 and
Ricki's groove back! (Did you know the Nobel Prize for Physics was awarded to
three scientists who discovered the universe is expanding at an accelerated pace?
What are you doing with your lives?)
Hope Solo and Maks dance to Enrique Iglesias's "Tonight,"
which she reveals is the official team song of the US Women's Soccer Team --
which brings up way more questions than it answers. She also wears a very
becoming black outfit and accidently steps on Maks's crotch during rehearsals.
Somewhere out there is a dude who's fetish is women's soccer players dressed in
black crushing testicles who is having the best day of his life (and by
'somewhere' we mean 'right here'). They get a 24.
David Arquette and Kym dance a sad song because Courtney Cox
left him which is incredibly awkward considering she is in the audience. Does
David Arquette have anyone who can pull him aside and tell him that this
probably isn't the best way of getting his estranged wife back? Rosanna?
Patricia? Alexis? Anyone? They get a 24.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
