So we were driving through Hialeah a few days ago when we saw a billboard advertising Daddy Yankee's cologne. Yeah, yeah, it launched a couple of months ago, but this is the first we've heard of it, and before you blast us for old news you should consider the ramifications of revealing you're on Daddy Yankee's press e-mail list.
The Latin icon officially joined the Pete Rose Pantheon of Unwise Publicity Stunts when he endorsed doomed Old White Man icon John McCain in August. You know you've stepped over the line into soul-sucking media whore status when Fat Joe -- he who had his sponsor Bacardi's logo set in a diamond chain -- accuses you of being a sell-out.
But it got us thinking: Miami might be ground zero for the celebrity cologne industry. After all, nothing says image-conscious excess -- our national specialty -- like paying $49 for a sleek three-ounce bottle of star-blessed ferret piss. So we've reviewed a few of the scents hawked by local glitterati. The research yielded one disappointment: 2 Live Crew ass connoisseur Luther "our favorite famous resident" Campbell hasn't gotten around to marketing his own fragrance. We're guessing "Booty Spray" didn't test well.
DY; Daddy Yankee
The stink: According to perfume blog Now Smell This, this "fruity marine fougere" (industryspeak for "Republican mating drops") WMDs the nostrils with "ozonic mist, apple, ginger, basil, sage, cedar, Brazilian red wood, suede and amber"--which, perhaps coincidentally, is Mitt Romney's entire diet.
What its presence in your medicine cabinet says to your one-night stand from Mansion: "If I accidentally get you pregnant, I will guilt you into having, and secretly raising, our love child by showing you grotesque blown-up photos of aborted fetuses. Also, it would be best if you named the kid some abbreviation of a high-school math subject."
Only for Women; Julio Iglesias and True Star; Enrique Iglesias
The stink: They're the world's only father-and-son duo to each have their own fragrances -- feminine perfumes, appropriately for your mom's favorite lotharios. Insiders say both scents were modeled after the stage-thrown panties of lovelorn 40-year old receptionists from Cleveland.
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What its presence in your medicine cabinet says: "Baby, I want you to reveal what you feel, all you hold deep inside, there is nothing I want you to hide... pero would you mind emptying my trash on your way out?"
Miami Glow; Jennifer Lopez and Sean John's I Am King; Sean "Puffy Combs"
The stink: Be warned: mixing the fragrances promoted by these two who-invited-them-anyway SoBe vacationers can cause an explosive chemical reaction resulting in litigious flesh wounds to all surrounding club-goers, and the shattered careers of any marginally-famous pop rappers nearby.
What its presence in your medicine cabinet says: "I asked for the 1977 vintage, bitch! Do you know who I am? [gunshots] [grunts, sounds of feet running][squeal of Lincoln Navigator tires] Don't worry, Shyne, we'll come back for you!"