If you're a card-carrying member of the Florida Family Association, this time of year has gotta be like your own, personal Hell. Well, except for the one that awaits everybody but you and people exactly like you after The Rapture.
It starts with the Miami Beach Gay Pride Festival, which then segues into the Miami Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. Then it's Fleet Week in Broward, which should be a time of supporting our troops, but after the first two things, even that starts to look kinda queer.
It's like a Babylonian apocalypse, except without Jesus and all his angels appearing to lift you up into Heaven while the Earth burns or explodes or floods or whatever you've been conned into believing.
Naturally, it puts you on edge.
So when you hear about the gays' eventual migration from Miami to
Orlando this summer, descending upon Disney World for an unofficial "Gay
Day" event, part of you is relieved. But another part of you feels
guilty. In fairness, you feel guilty about pretty much everything, but
especially now that you're suffering less as the scourge of
homosexuality leaves its full-time home here in South Florida to attack
the wholesome swamplands of Central Florida. This is the home of the
Holy Land Experience we're talking about here, y'know?
So you
start raising the thousands of dollars necessary to hire an airplane to
fly banners warning unsuspecting, homophobic parents to avoid Disney
during the event. You've done it before; you can do it again. It's your civic duty, and you're certain there's
nothing more important going on in the world that Jesus would have
preferred you spend your $8,400 on. Well, other than whatever Westboro's working on, anyway.
But here's what you haven't
considered: Disney World is a hotbed of anti-Christian morals
year-round. There are so many sinful things taking place within its
fairy-tale walls that it's amazing the Lord Himself hasn't burned the
place to the ground. Until that happens, you're going to have to raise a
hell of a lot more money to keep running those banners.
Or you can just give up, and let people live their lives. Either way.
Booze
Did
you know you can get drunk at every single park at Disney World? And
many, many gluttonous sinners do just that. Some even make a game out of
drinking their way around the world at Epcot Center -- in essence,
blaspheming as much of God's creation as they can in a single day.
Banners warning of the drunken unwashed are surely in order.
Magic
It
was right there in front of your face the whole time: witchcraft. How
did you overlook Tinkerbell's fairy dust, or Cinderella's pumpkin, or
the fact that Mary Poppins can fly? This isn't the Lord's Kingdom; it's
the Magic Kingdom, and it's clearly not a place for God-fearing
families.
Furries
Depending on the type of religious
fanatic you are, you either had no idea Furries were a thing, or you
secretly search Google for dirty Furry pictures after the wife and kids
go to bed. Either way, they're right there in front of you at Disney
World, and that's just not biblical.
Nakedness
Half the
Princesses in the place are running around in bra
tops. And in the name of our Holy maker, can someone please make that
duck put on some pants? Naked animals make the baby Jesus cry.
Acceptance
Anybody can go to
Disney World. You can be Christian, or Jewish, or even a
Muslim. You can be white, or not. You can be a man dressed as a woman, or vice versa. And yes,
you can be openly gay. The genius of Disney is that every kid in the
nation wants to go there, no matter who their parents have raised them
to be. Does your upright, Christian family belong in there with that
horror-show of diversity? God forbid.
No, literally -- he did. There's a verse somewhere in the Bible. We swear.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
