Yesterday, TMZ reported that an ultra-rare first edition of O.J. Simpson's "hypothetical" recount of the gruesome 1994 double-murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown and her lover, Ron Goldman, had hit the metaphorical shelves of eBay.
Our first (and, really, only) question is: Who the f*ck cares?
What's next? A reprint of the Starr Report? How is this the year 2013, yet we are somehow blogging about O.J. Simpson killing people. Blogging barely even existed when he (hypothetically) did it!
Of all the psychopathic hitmen in the history of slaughter, O.J. is potentially the least interesting. He did it. He got away with it. And he continues to somehow profit from the whole grizzly affair. The end.
After the jump: Five murderous manuscripts you're more likely to find next to our toilet than If I Did It.
5. Leon Czolgosz
This guy committed the most boring killing in the history of taking out world leaders. But, hey, homie is probably the most famous anarchist in North American history. That must count for something! If anything, we want to read Czolgosz's version of If I Did It so we could understand why anybody would bother shooting William McKinley, the otherwise completely inconsequential 25th President of the United States.
4. Marcus Junius Brutus
Aren't you absolutely dying to read the inner-monologue of the first emperor of Rome's BFF and his chief assassin? Sure, Caesar asked, Et tu, Brute? But, god dammit, no one has ever stopped to figure out cur. (That's "why" in Latin, you philistine.)
3. John Wilkes Booth
This dude killed the most popular president, like, ever. They even made a movie about it. It's called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
2. Gavrilo Princip
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The Gomez Adams-looking mofo above is the 19 year-old shmuck responsible for starting World War I after popping a cap in Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand's royal ass. There are plenty of history books documenting the aftermath of Princip's crime, but nothing as fascinating as the tale from the man himself.
1. Whoever Really Shot JFK
Look, maaaan. We know Oswalt was a patsy, that the CIA was in on the shooting, and that the conspiracy stretches from Area 51 to Studio 54. Will somebody finally publish the memoirs of whatever pot-smoking, pyramid-building Illuminati alien was responsible for the end of America's Camelot?