Many women have an acceptable set of buttocks. Some have one seemingly perfect buttock that is paired with a deflated, swaying cheek, or worse, one with a single, twisted antler growing from it.
Not Miss Bumbum. Her bumbum is perfect. And unmarried.
Miss Bumbum is also the winner of a Brazlian search to find the perfect set of buttocks. Carine Felizardo, the 2012 winner of the Miss Bumbum pageant, will bring her ideal bumbum along with those of fellow callipygous paragons Andressa Urach and Camila Vernaglia to Miami Beach on Friday night. There they will arrange and display their buttocks in aesthetically pleasing configurations for the delight of the patrons at Bamboo.
What makes for a perfect bumbum? The ancient Phoenicians believed it should be "fuller than a pair of sails set on a golden morning course to the horizon." Nostradamus never saw a perfect bumbum in his lifetime but predicted that "Earthshaking fire from the center of the Earth / Shall set it a-jiggle / And it shall be without pimples / Or mark of beast's tooth." In his concurring opinion for Bumbum v. Tingly Feeling, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart wrote, "I know it when I see it and boy-oh-boy do I see it. Zoinks!"
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Miss Bumbum is not to be objectified but to be celebrated by a culture that loves nothing more than to sit and do other things while sitting. Though the title holder of Miss Bumbum may change from year to year, the properties embodied by each Miss Bumbum are eternal. You know, Marie Curie's work in radioactivity changed the course of the 20th century, but it was exposure to this same radiation that ultimately killed Curie, the only winner of Nobel Prizes in two sciences. We are too early in the 21st century to know in what ways it will be shaped by Miss Bumbum, but it is likely that the shape of the 21st century will be round, firm, and smooth to the touch. The 21st century is probably going to smell like coconut, baby powder and the sweaty hands of men who don't know how to fasten their shirt buttons.
But should Miss Bumbum's life's work prove to be as lethal as Mme. Curie's, Bamboo is not taking any chances on public safety; they are turning the club space into a cordon sanitaire during Miss Bumbum's visit to America, keeping Brazil's most excellent buttocks separate from the water supply and a weak-willed populace. These buttocks, low, heavy, and lambent as the moon, are likely to play hell with the tides. But fear not, Miami: these asses come in peace.
Albert Einstein believed that Marie Curie was the only person in the world who would not have been corrupted by her level of fame. Were he alive to witness Miss Bumbum, it is likely that he, the smartest man to ever have lived, would have stomped his foot, howled like a wolf and then beg to be turned into a human whoopie cushion. Succeed where Einstein failed this weekend. The event kicks off at 11 p.m. and entry costs $20 which, on a per buttock basis, is quite reasonable.