January 21, 2010 | 11:00am
Who is Aziz Ansari? Is he Randy the spazzy comic from Funny People who jokes about getting blowjobs in weird places, like Ikea, a car, and underwater? Or is he Tom Haverford the smarmy government official from the city of Pawnee? Or is he perhaps Sinjay the racist fruit vendor from Flight of the Conchords?
Well, Aziz Ansari is Randy and Tom and Sinjay the racist fruit seller. And yet, he's none of these people, because these people are fictional characters. So do we know the real Aziz? No ... The lil' dude is an enigma, which is why the New Times felt compelled to ask him the following 12 questions.
New Times: So what does Randy have to say to all these Magic City Miami motherfuckers?
I am Aziz Ansari, so I can't speak for Randy, but I imagine it would probably be something about getting a blowjob while riding a jet ski?
Have you ever been down here to the land of cocaine, rappers with big beards, and botox casualties?
Yes, I did some shows at the Miami Improv a few months back and it was very fun. I got REAL crunk. I stole a bunch of almonds and yogurt from Trader Joe's. It was wild.
What bits are you gonna unleash for your South Beach Comedy Festival set?
I'm doing a bunch of new material I've been working on and will probably do a few older things since some people get mad when they don't hear this or that joke they like.
You were on the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien the other day and you were wearing a suit. Usually, you're rocking the hoodie. What's with the wardrobe change?
I gotta show respect when I do those late night shows, so I throw on a suit.
I was checking out your Twitter and you mentioned some story involving Diplo and Skerrit Bwoy. Uh, please tell?
Basically, SkerritBwoy, the front man from Major Lazer, was asking me to create a dance, but he kept mispronouncing my name. By the end of it, he was yelling, "Do the Nazi! Do the Nazi! Do the Nazi!" and I was like "No, don't do the Nazi!!!" and Diplo was yelling "No! It's Aziz!!!!"
You've also been Twittering about the current NBC late night brouhaha. How fucked up is that situation? And, if you were in charge, what would the lineup look like?
It's quite a mess. I would remove the whole late night lineup and replace it with reruns of That's So Raven.
You've been quoted as saying "I like food a lot." What kind of food exactly?
I love so many different types of food! But I will probably grab a tasty cubano at some point while I'm in town.
The first time I ever saw you was on MTV's Human Giant. Why didn't you guys keep that thing going after the second season?
MTV asked for a third season, but we were ready to move on and work on some new projects. In my case, Parks and Recreation.
Now, most people recognize you from Funny People or Parks and Recreation. Is either of those characters similar to the real Aziz?
They are probably aspects of my personality that have been heightened. But, overall, I'm not as huge an idiot as either of those characters ... I hope.
There's this rumor that you just inked a three-movie deal with Judd Apatow. That's huge.
Well, it's not a rumor. It was officially announced! Myself and Jason Woliner, a director/writer that I collaborate with, are working on three movie ideas that we will write, he will direct, and I will star in.
Your special Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening just aired on Comedy Central. Is it your first concert movie?
Yes, it's my first standup special. I recorded it in July of last year. I am wearing a suit. It's very intimate and very sensual.
OK. Since you're now a suave suit-wearing man with intimate knowledge of sensuality, give us some parting lady advice?
Go to a bar and just say, "Excuse me, you want to hear a dope story about kidney stones?" Then, you're gold.
Aziz Ansari performs as part of the South Beach Comedy Festival this Saturday, January 23. Colony Theatre, 1040 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach. There will be two shows, one at 7:30 p.m. and the other at 10:30 p.m. Tickets cost $35.50. Visit southbeachcomedyfestival.com.