Yesterday, Riptide brought you video of a girl at Ultra who appeared to have, um, feelings for a tree. Strong feelings. Sexy feelings. Feelings of, dare we say, love.
Then Internet commenters took this beautiful moment of passion and turned it into something ugly. We know, we were shocked, too.
Sure, the girl may have been on drugs. But there are plenty of other, perfectly valid reasons she may have been rubbing up on that trunk so lustily. And aren't we innocent until proven guilty? This is still America, isn't it?
As some readers pointed out, perhaps this is just an extreme example of "tree-hugging." And can you blame her? Miami is a beautiful place, after all, with its beaches and its sunshine and, yes, its gorgeous, slender palm trees fluttering seductively in the breeze. If you were truly committed to reversing global warming, maybe you'd be showing nature some love, too.
Maybe it's not about the girl kissing the tree, man. Maybe it's about all of us watching the girl kissing the tree -- like, the statement that we, as a society, are making, about ourselves and our culture, when we watch the girl kissing the tree, and laugh at the girl kissing the tree, and cheer for the girl kissing the tree. Did you ever think of that, man? That maybe the joke is, like, on us? Dude.
We've never tried it ourselves (we swear), but we imagine that it takes a whole lot of practice to become a pole dancer. It can't be easy to swing around that narrow metal cylinder, especially when you're all greased up and glittery and sweaty. Starting your training with a wider pole, perhaps one with a little texture for grip, doesn't sound so crazy, does it? And now that we think about it, we're pretty sure we've seen a version of this move at Tootsie's.
You're at Ultra. It's hot, and you've been walking around and dancing in the sun for hours. All of a sudden, you realize you haven't eaten since yesterday ... but you're out of money, and your friends have disappeared, and you're feeling woozy. So your brain goes into Bear Grylls mode, and the next thing you know, you're stripping off your clothes and gnawing the bark off of a palm tree just to stay alive. Hey, it could happen.
Flash Mob Gone Wrong
You've seen that commercial with the guy in the train station who shows up for the flash mob at the wrong time, right? Maybe that's all this is. Maybe there are supposed to be thousands of people around her doing exactly the same thing at the same time. Maybe all that smooching and slapping and humping are intricately choreographed parts of a larger whole that have been taken out of context. And maybe, even though all of her flash mob friends ditched her, this girl is committed to her role. Maybe she doesn't have the AT&T network. You don't know.