What's the most epic come-on in the history of Scandinavian EDM?
Duh. "We're gonna fuck this party in the pussy!," as uttered by Swedish House Mafia, when Sebastian Ingrosso, Steve Angello, and Axwell were still young, up-and-coming electronic dance music studs.
Today, though, the SHM dudes are superfamous. A little more mature. And they're preparing to hump out to pasture. So they've toned down the explicitness of their advance. Especially when trying to get into our pants in public. Like, say, at Ultra Music Festival 2013 in front of a 100,000 people.
Last night, headlining the opening night of Ultra's inaugural two-weekend, Ingrosso, Angello, and Axwell climbed up into a massive multi-tiered LED stage setup for their second-to-last show ever. It was dark. It was inviting. And it was obvious that things were gonna get intense.
Looking sexy-casual in their usual snug t-shirts and artfully worn jeans, the Mafia men hopped atop the DJ booth as UMF's main stage exploded with light. They triumphantly waved to a writhing mass of ecstatic, Dayglo-clad, barely-legal groupies. They tossed off a few fist-pumps for the guys. And then they eased into some thumping mood music, including "Greyhound" and "Euphoria."
"How you feel, Miami?" Ingrosso asked. And the Ultra group scene erupted in lusty screams.
There were fireworks and lazers as ravers celebrated their penultimate evening with Swedish House Mafia by heaving armfuls of glowsticks into the air. Hippie-ish EDM chicks sat in the grass, hugging and puffing on marijuana cigarettes. A unicorn bro galloped and posed for pictures. Spring breakers scrambled up into the top branches of trees decorated with pulsating LED icicles. And a party boy dressed like some kinda Mouseketeer in a sex club cried.
"Turn on your hearts," the SHM dudes demanded. "And turn off your brains, people."
Throughout the night, Ingrosso, Angello, and Axwell unloaded all sorts of smooth lines on the admiring Ultra audience.
Of course, there were the musical come-ons, from "Calling (Lose My Mind) to "One." But they also charmed the UMF crowd out of its undies with coaxing chit-chat, like: "Turn the lights up, please! Let me look at you, Miami! You look pretty amazing tonight!"
Or: "We have a long history! So doesn't it make sense that our last time would be with you!"
And finally: "Are you ready to go to bed, Miami?"
By then, it was 11:40, almost Ultra's curfew. And yes, we were pretty much willing to let the SHM dudes do whatever they wanted with our uhtnz-uhntz-ing asses. Especially to the soothing, sensual strains of "Don't You Worry, Child" or the bump-'n'-grind of "Miami 2 Ibiza."
For a moment, though, Ingrosso, Angello, and Axwell feigned pulling out and going home. But then they thrusted back with "Save the World." And the lusty screams hit an almost inaudible pitch.
Babes of both sexes waggled 12-inch glowsticks with two hands. And a furious build peaked with a many-colored ejaculation of high explosives as streamers floated down onto eager, upturned faces like fine, wispy threads of pure, white love.
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"We came! We raved! And we really did love you, Miami!" the SHM dudes exclaimed. "And we'll be back!"
Or as unicorn bro squealed at us, evoking Ingrosso, Angello, and Axwell's old epic come-on: "Yeeeeee! Swedish House Mafia totally fucked Miami in the pussy! And they're gonna do it again!"
"Ohhh, one last time," he moaned in the middle of the street after the show. "And it's going to be amazeballs!"