Pop music should have no place in professional sports. But for reasons we'll never understand, the National Football League has a hard-on for Top 40 music.
After a string of solid rock acts, the NFL butchered halftime with the Black Eyed Peas last year. And rumor has it, they're ready to do it again at Super Bowl XLVI.
Madonna has apparently been pegged to perform at this season's halftime show, and only a wardrobe malfunction à la Janet Jackson would get us excited about the news.
Check out our list of five XXX suggestions for Madonna's Super Bowl XLVI halftime show.
5. "American Pie" Butt Cleavage
We remember watching the video for Madge's 2000 cover of the Don McLean classic and thinking, Wow, this sucks. But then at the 3:39 mark, Madonna flashed a little butt cleavage and we totally forgot about her miserable version of "American Pie." She should totally flash some ass at this year's Superbowl too.
Madonna - Hung Upby Warner-Music
4. "Hung Up" Camel Toe
The video for "Hung Up" and every subsequent live Madonna performance we've watched on YouTube is just one big camel toe. And even though it's now a 53-year-old camel toe, it's still one of the best-looking camel toes in Top 40 rotation.
3. "Like a Virgin" 50-Yard Line Grind
Just like she did at the Radio City Music Hall stage in 1984, Madonna could grind the football's center stage -- the 50-yard line -- during her halftime set. She might get really worked up, though. The game is being played at Lucas Oil Stadium, and Lucas Oil is one of the biggest lube distributors in the world.
2. Girl-on-Girl Love
Middle America would get a kick out of Madonna locking lips with another woman like she did with Brittany Spears. May we suggest ESPN reporter Erin Andrews?
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1. Wear Costumes from Sex Book
Either leather or lace. Or nothing at all. The NFL is incredibly out of touch with its players, coaches, and core fanbase. In other words, men. That's why cheerleaders parade around the sideline in next-to-nothing outfits. And if Madonna walks up on stage wearing a dominatrix outfit with pasties on her nipples ... So be it.