Imagine being so successful, you could buy a house and have no idea what it looks like. Sounds awesome, right? Wrong! It's fucking terrible! A life of travel and excess is nothing but drug abuse, greedy lovers, lies, false friends, and emptiness!
At least, this is what we've deduced from listening to the Weeknd's beautifully soulful yet utterly hopeless ten-track wonder Kiss Land. It's a world where dreamers fulfill their fantasies while their insides slowly wither and die. But you know, in a sexy way.
The Weeknd (AKA Abel Tesfaye) and his crew will be leading all of Miami's lost souls to Kiss Land on Saturday, September 28, and if you dare to take the journey, it's a ride you'll never forget. Be warned, though, you'll meet some real shady characters, and after a while, they all start to seem the same. So take our handy guide with you. This and XO is all you'll need.
See also: The Weeknd Releases Kiss Land Condoms
Strippers
These women seem exotic and beautiful, but don't fall for their rehearsed charms and experienced ways or you'll be paying for their apartment, wardrobe, and insatiable habits of all varieties. It's easy to give in when they're so happy to satisfy your every desire. But it's just like the Weeknd says, they're "professional," and you're just an ATM to them. "You made enough to quit a couple years ago/But it consumes you/It's everywhere you go."
Groupies
Seemingly less dangerous than the stripper is the groupie. She will tempt you in every city, but she doesn't love you, only the fame and money that you represent. To the groupie, you're not a person, just a ticket out of a boring town. The Weeknd croons on Kiss Land's title track: "Not really into kisses leading into nothing/I'm into shows every night, if you play your cards right/I might fuck around, bring your whole crew on tour." But what happens when the cash runs out and the shows end? She's gone like the rest of them.
Homies
Your friends are the only people that you can count on in Kiss Land. But they're also going to get you higher than you've ever been in your life. The Weeknd and his homie Drake tell all about it on "Live For," rhyming, "Me and my niggas, we ain't never going broke/And you have to do it all/Just to know where it gets you." Here's to hoping it leads to happiness, and the homies make it with you.
Pill-Pushing Doctor
When your homies can't keep you up anymore, it's time to go see the doctor. And the Weeknd knows his doc well. "He gave me something to pop/I mix it up with some Adderalls and I wait to get to the top/And I mix it up with some alcohol and I pour it up in a shot," he sings. But c'mon, Abel, is that really what the doctor prescribed?
The One That Got Away
Even all the pills and drink and whores in the world can't save you from the lost love that still stings. You'll see her face in every window. You'll hear her voice in the static on the radio. You'll smell her hair on the dirty pillows in your bed. "When it's said and done/I already felt love/And I let it end up/Dying by itself," the Weeknd muses. But you can't get down and you can't "show the world how alone you've become." You've just gotta hope to "Adjust to the fame/'Cause no one will love you like her/It's pointless/Like tears in the rain."
The Weeknd's "The Fall" Tour. With Banks. Saturday, September 28. James L. Knight Center, 400 SE Second Ave., Miami. The show starts at 8:30 p.m., and tickets cost $35 to $45 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 305-372-4634, or visit jlkc.com.
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Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.
