Madonna is a dirty, old lady.
And though she wasn't always old, the Queen of Pop has been a hot and proud taboo-smashing slut from birth. Even before becoming famous, Ms. Madonna Louise Ciccone was making thought-provoking egg porn.
She's also burned through an insanely long line of famous and unfamous suitors. She's published an entire book of erotica, starring her own naked body. She's challenged the church's sexual mores by dressing like a skanky nun who uses the crucifix like a sex toy.
She's done it "Like a Virgin," brought gay dancing to MTV, and palled around with raunchy lesbian comics like Sandra Bernhard and Rosie O'Donnell. And even at 53, she was still flashing titties all over the globe, going strong and sex-crazed as ever.
Now that Madonna's 54, who knows what she's going to pull when her MDNA tour humps into Miami's American Airlines Arena? But as fair warning, here are the ten nastiest things she's done thus far.
The woman was never a sexual novice. Before anyone had any idea about Madonna, she was already honing her unique, game-changing brand of over-the-top sexy. In 1974, Madonna hooked up with some artsy types to make an egg-centric avante-garde soft-core video. (That's a full eight years before "Like A Virgin" made many people feel uncomfortable in their pants for the very first time!) And the world has never seen someone suck a yolk so good. The fact that it's silent and blurry and superfuzzy is even a turn-on. Yes, Madonna's young, virile body is hot enough to cook scrambled eggs.
Wedding Dress Stage Humping
Madonna is nothing if not a pioneer. She humped her way into history, showing up on the first MTV Video Music Awards in 1984 and getting freaky with the floor in a white wedding gown. Back then, this kind of behavior was some next-level insanity. Everyone in America was left totally slack-jawed in their living rooms. In that brief and naughty moment, young women everywhere were freed from sexual suppression. And we've been whoring it up ever since. Thanks, lady!
Sean Penn's Bloody Ragdoll
In June 1987, Madonna was married to bad-boy actor Sean Penn, and he beat that bitch with a baseball bat to the dome. Somehow, she came out alive and still in love with the maniac, who escaped from the media fiasco with nothing besides a misdemeanor battery charge. This was no isolated incident either. He used to tie her to chairs and stuff. But apparently, the sex was off the chain and lasted for hours. We guess you can't put a price on passion. Love is pain, girl.
Kissing Black Jesus
Even though she was already a promiscuous domestic-violence victim, Madonna was still pulling in mad money from corporate sponsors in the late '80s. She actually scored a $5-million deal with Pepsi for the rights to use her hit single "Like a Prayer" in 1989. Too bad the music video came out flashing giant church fires and Madonna kissing a Black Jesus ... And family-friendly Pepsi decided they'd had enough of her shenanigans, backing out of the deal. This might not have been very progressive of the soft-drink manufacturer. But is there really anything progressive about being the second-rate Coca-Cola? The Material Girl still turned out rich.
Justify My Love
Of course, Madonna's all about upping the ante. So in 1990, she cranked her on-camera antics to R-rated. In the hot and heavy video for "Justify My Love," she's getting freaky in a dingy hotel hallway and everybody loves it. Naked girls, naked boys, tight leather, assless chaps — this video has it all. The whole thing is shockingly filthy. But in that naughty-yet-amazing way, where you know you're going to have a really awesome shower afterward.
After all those years of teasing, Madonna finally gave the fans some full-on nudity with the release of SEX, her explicit 1992 coffee-table book. The book stars our heroine and her famous friends engaged in titillating soft-core sadomasochistic positions. Celebs like Big Daddy Kane, Vanilla Ice, and Naomi Cambell all make appearances. This dirty tome was released in conjunction with Madonna's fifth studio album Erotica and it only came in the hard-back edition. Um, did we mention the ass-licking?
Too Hot for TV
In line with her penchant for mind-fucking people with music videos, Madonna got herself banned from daytime MTV with her clip for "What It Feels Like for a Girl" in 2001. Directed by then-husband Guy Ritchie, most famous at the time for his film Snatch, the four-and-a-half minute video could only be aired after prime time. What caused all the hubbub? The clip's intensely violent imagery, which featured the 43-year-old pop star cruising through the city with some old lady ridin' shot gun, fuckin' up bros, stealing their money, and committing possible vehicular manslaughter.
Girls Kissin' Girls
Madonna struck slutty gold on the VMA stage again in 2003 when she made out with her teen pop-tart counterparts — Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. To start, the two young stars got freaky with the floor, reliving that vagina-quivering moment from the late '80s when the Queen of Pop pioneered the art of stage-humping. Then once Madonna appeared on stage in tuxedo, shit got really steamy as the threesome topped it all off with some girl-on-girl action. Hawt.
Not even breaking the 50-year barrier can slow this bitch down! In March 2012, Madge scandalized Ultra Music Festival and the entire EDM world when she introduced boy wonder Avicii by boldly polling thousands of ravers about their drug intake. "How many people in this crowd have seen Molly?" she asked. A lot of people were like, "She's too old to say that," but Madonna does not give a lick. She actually denied it was a drug reference at all. Although, her album is called MDNA.
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Just to prove she's still got it, Madonna recently pulled out her nipples for a crowd of Turkish fans during an MDNA tour stop. Sure, she's old enough to be a grandma. But the crowd seemed pretty aroused. And besides boobies and other kinds of occasional nudity, the show is full of fake guns, violent choreography, and politically charged messages. Basically, everything nasty that Madonna's ever done has led her to this glorious moment. And we can't wait for her to come!
Madonna. Monday, November 19, and Tuesday, November 20. American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. The shows start at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $48 to $386.50 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 786-777-1000 or visit aaarena.com.
Official MDNA Afterparty. With DJ Tracy Young. Tuesday, November 20. Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami. The party starts at 10 p.m. and tickets cost $20 to $50 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Call 305-377-2277 or visit grandcentralmiami.com.