The Miami scene can be described as a "Babe in the Woods." Or at least a babe with a mustache and guayabera.
So yes, we admit it: Our city is only now growing out of relative infancy and moving into musical toddlerhood. But maybe, bands and fans, we should just be thankful that we don't live in Utah.
Nevertheless, Crossfade decided to put together a five-point new year wish list for the Miami live music scene. We're not saying this is a blueprint. It's just some crazy ideas that might shake shit up a bit.
5. A Shipment of American Idol Reject Groupies
Who doesn't like a girl/guy who can kinda, sorta, not-really hum a tune in key? A lady/dude who gravitates towards any kind of attention, positive or negative? A chick/dude with absolutely zero inhibitions? In other words, the ladies/gentlemen who didn't make the cut on American Idol.
These people have all just had their lifelong dreams shattered. But they still love music and they need a new start. Sounds like a trip to Miami is in order! Let's have these rejects shipped down here in bulk and split between any three-piece bands looking for a membership and/or morale boost.
4. A Smarmy Management Agency
Imagine a thousand smarmy agents with random but notable industry ties, who are completely convinced that each band they approach has what it takes to "make it." And these smarmsters have got the ability to make it happen.
The agents will tell the musicians that they are great and get some nice upfront money. Hmm ... This is starting to sound kinda sucky. At least, Miami's gullible bands will have an excuse for not "making it" when they get too wasted to play that big record label showcase.
3. A DJ-Specific Flu Epidemic
Miami bands love to blame the flourishing DJ, dance, and electronic scene for the lack of live music popularity and attendance.
It's probably bullshit. But maybe a DJ-specific flu epidemic can put that hypothesis to the test.
2. A Massive Tectonic Plate Shift
What a drive to get down to Miami! What a drive out!
If North America wasn't so sprawled all over the freaking place, we would be so much more accessible to the rest of the country for touring.
Or we'd just be Georgia ...
1. Clockwork Orange-Style Spectatorship at All Live Music Shows
Every band accuses the crowd of "not getting it" on a bad gig night.
But there's gotta be some way to ensure the audience's full and undivided attention? What if we pry open their fucking eyes and force them to watch the fucking show?
At the very least, the shows would be memorable. And thousands of jobs would be created for all those out-of-work eyedrop technicians and behavioral conditioning specialists.
-- Eric Garcia