"Honey, I'm just going to pop out to catch some stand-up comedy, live funk music, and spoken-word poetry."
"Are you sure you're not going to the strip club again?"
"Does that sound like the sort of thing that would happen in a strip club?"
"So you're not going to be hanging out in the VIP room of a strip club that's got a glass-walled shower for scrub-a-dub shows?"
"Fine, I'll stay home and wash the dishes."
Don't let this happen to you.
Sure, you could just switch over to using paper plates, but the environmentally-friendlier solution is to start taking your special lady to the variety nights every Monday at G5ive Lounge in North Miami.
That's pronounced "gee-five," not "gee-five-ive," by the way. And while the show mostly stayed on the stage and out of the shower when Crossfade checked out the inaugural edition last week, there's really no telling what might happen at G5ive on a Monday night.
The series is a collaboration between A-List Marketing Group and TruStory Entertainment, the latter being LT and Dave, the guys behind last month's massive Rick Ross show at King of Diamonds. A-List's Eddie and DJ Haitian Mike are responsible for the Thursday Dayshift party at G5ive, where they offer Caribbean music and walnut-cracking booties well before tea time.
DJ Haitian Mike works the room, his braids swinging behind him as he checks on all the tables. Eddie, the sort of quiet giant who only ever has one name, tells us that the club's Monday night event "will get you out in time for Fight Night at King of Diamonds," the club that's only a crumpled dollar bill's throw away from G5ive.
For their part, Dave and LT act more like the mayors of North Miami. But unlike Andre Pierre, they've done the time for their crimes and have found new lives as promoters and rising music moguls.
Every Monday night at G5ive will begin with a few songs from Deep Fried Funk, the supremely tight house band. Hosting duties will alternate between Malik S., who hosted last week and Rayzor, who was also last week's headliner.
Last week, Malik killed it. He managed to elevate material about politics, first-date sex, and the hidden costs of "side pussy and turnpike pussy" to a level of discourse that made Descartes look like Honey Boo Boo.
Before Rayzor's headlining set, the audience was also treated to the observational and pantomimed-fuck-based comedy of RJ, as well as the poetic vibes of a poet called Poetic Vibez, who recited three poems about butterflies, slashed wrists with cuts in the shape of a crucifix and, in a particularly sensual moment backed by a slow jam from Deep Fried Funk, "put[ting] your pussy to the taste test."
As Malik commented immediately after Poetic Vibez left the crowd in awed silence: "If you don't get any pussy from those poems, you have to rewrite them." Crossfade consulted with several area poets who confirmed that Malik's intuition was correct: In poetry, revision is as important as the writing.
Rayzor barreled through his set, laying into Republicans and libidinous pastors with equal zest. He also seemed quite taken by the beautiful women in the audience. Before the show, he provided Crossfade with advice on how to approach such women.
Rayzor warned us, "Jamaican women, like all women, are unique. But when you put that curry powder on top, it comes out spicier and you gotta deal with that hotness." For Crossfade, with little experience dealing with that hotness, Razyor recommended dating "one who doesn't have any legal paperwork. Anytime you got to get to immigration, you get sick or something. And seven years later, you've still got her and you're saying, 'Maybe next week!'"
There were quite a few Jamaicans in the audience at G5ive, but it was a fairly diverse crowd and easily the most gender-balanced that Crossfade recalls seeing at any Miami comedy shows.
And it was quite an audience. Malik called out a few "thugs" in the back corner, saying, "And I only feel safe calling you that because I know you all were frisked on the way in." It was something Crossfade had not considered until then and put our quivering lily of a heart at ease.
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At G5ive Monday Nights, the men are ballers, the women make you forget that there are naked ladies sliding down poles on the other side of the wall, and the drinks come stiff and often.
So as long as your funny bone can make it through the metal detector, come on down to G5ive on Monday nights.
G5ive Monday Nights. Every Monday. G5ive Lounge, 337 NW 170th St., North Miami. Call 786-312-4489 or visit g5ive.com.