Before the Miami Heat took on the Lakers in Los Angeles Friday night, the team announced Dion Waiters, who has yet to set foot on the court for the team this season, would be inactive. That wasn't weird at all. Waiters has lost his minutes to rookies Tyler Herro and Kendrick Nunn, and his piss-poor reaction to being denied a starter immediately following his recovery from injury already has him in the team's doghouse.
What was weird was the reason Waiters would not be joining the club: He reportedly ate the edible to end all edibles and was tripping his balls off in a swanky hotel called the emergency room once the flight landed. At first, it was reported Waiters had an edible-induced seizure, but yesterday the news made much more sense: Waiters was freaking out because the edibles were set on Level: Expert.
Apparently, Waiters was enjoying himself so much in Denver that he decided to take a piece of the infamously kush-friendly city with him on the road through a stop in Phoenix and into Los Angeles. As if all of that wasn't enough, yesterday it was announced the Heat was suspending Waiters for ten games for conduct detrimental to the team. The Heat's managers believe the "one gummy" that sent him into outer space came from a teammate, but he won't tell them which one.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to #GummyGate. The call is coming from inside the house! This is like a murder-mystery cruise for millennials. It's a regular whodunnit!
There are, of course, questions — so many questions. For instance, is popping edibles on flights between games a thing? Was this the first time Waiters had tried a gummy, or was it some sort of supersonic gummy meant for only the most seasoned edible kings? And, of course, we need to know which player is out there sliding edibles to a teammate who's already on the Heat's shit list.
Everyone is a suspect. Luckily, we have a lineup of suspects. Heat fans made their best guesses on Twitter last night. Guess the edibles-guy game! It's fun for all ages!
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You can be sure Miami Heat managers will continue their investigation into this case, but it's quite possible that when they discover the identity of the edibles supplier, they'll want to research his recipe. If the entire team is eating gummies that have led to the Heat's impressive 6-3 start, surely they'd like to know about it.
It would be for research purposes only, of course, not for, like, unlabeled locker-room training-table snacks.