You know when you stub your toe and there's that split-second delay before your body reports back about the level of pain? Well, we all knew the Miami Dolphins were going to stub their toe against the Baltimore Ravens in the season opener Sunday, but it was so much worse than we could have imagined. The Dolphins not only stubbed their toe but also invited the Ravens to drive a tank over it repeatedly for three hours.
Yeah, it's definitely broken. Tanka-Tua-Palooza is in full effect, and there's no emoji to describe the roller coaster of emotions that came with watching the Dolphins yesterday.
For those of you who had previously thought the Dolphins might not actually be that bad, well, if Sunday's 59-10 loss to the Ravens wasn't enough to knock that stupid idea out of your head, nothing ever will. The 2019 Miami Dolphins are destined to be a historically terrible team, and there is nothing any of us, especially the Dolphins, can do about it.
The Dolphins were a special kind of bad yesterday afternoon. So bad, in fact, there were reports following the game that multiple players called their agents and told them to do whatever it takes to get them traded.
That's a special, limited-edition brand of bad — a rare, total-solar-eclipse sort of terrible. The Dolphins were a supercharged kind of suck this past Sunday, and what is left is a heaping pile of garbage to clean up. The Dolphins are refried ass, and there are 15 games to go, so fans did what they do best to mute the pain. Meme your way through it, Dolphins fans:
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So there you have it: The Dolphins are confirmed bad, and this season will likely get a lot worse before it gets any better. The best thing for fans to do is pull on their big-boy pants and have a good cry, because letting your true emotions out is the healthiest thing to do.
Things won't get any easier next week when the Dolphins take on the New England Patriots, who just so happen to have Antonio Brown playing for them now. Look for a more detailed preview of that projected slaughtering later this week in the official New Times Tank Tracker.