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The Ten Best Places to Go Stoned in Miami
April 16, 2019 | 8:00am
Well, America, it took us 243 years, but it looks as if we're finally, maybe (sort of) becoming just a bit cool about weed. This was a shockingly tough hangup for us to overcome. For some reason, this country was able to tolerate hard liquor, addictive prescription drugs, a reality show in which Flavor Flav was given a harem of ladies to desecrate, and Taco Bell long before we could agree that perhaps we shouldn't be locking up teenagers for having a plant in their pocket.
We're not all the way there yet, but when even a prude like Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis seems OK with legalizing smokable medical marijuana, well, we call that progress. It's slow and painful, but progress nonetheless.
And what better occasion to celebrate the decline of our primitive attitude toward the sticky-icky than April 20, AKA 4/20, the sacred stoner holiday that's been scaring PTA moms for decades. To honor this day, we've curated a list of some of our favorite places in Miami to explore in altered states of consciousness. Now, are we suggesting you carry illegal substances into public places and private businesses? "No-o-o-o-o-o!" our exhausted lawyer screams. We are merely suggesting that milkshakes and laser light shows have a certain, shall we say, wow factor after intake of a certain three-letter substance that rhymes with "BHC."
The Golden Girls milkshake
3190 Commodore Plaza, Coconut Grove
Some munchies demand salty and some scream for sweet. If you prefer the latter, the place for you is Vicky's House. From the owner of the equally 420-friendly Kush, Vicky's House is modeled after an '80s kitchen and serves milkshakes that appear to have been brainstormed by a focus group of sentient vape pens. The Golden Girls is a banana milkshake with an entire Twinkie stuffed into it. The Breakfast Club is rolled in Cap'n Crunch, topped with bacon and a glazed doughnut, and comes with a colada to, we assume, shock guests out of diabetic comas à la Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.
Photo by Miguel de Guzman
Museum Garage Corner of NE First Avenue and NE 41st Street, Miami
We know. Lighting up in a parking garage? How very high school. It's what a group of teens might do before engaging in mischief with a roll of toilet paper. But the Design District's newest parking location, Museum Garage, is so much more than its name implies. A collaboration among five architects — each of whom appears to have sat on a water balloon full of LSD before cracking open a sketch book — Museum Garage is one of Miami's coolest buildings. After you've ogled the cartoonish exterior, climb the hot-pink staircase and elbow your way through a few Instagram influencers for a sweet view of this strange city.
Immerse yourself in art and science.
Photo by Laurence Fragnol / Artechouse
If you find yourself a tad bored by the typical hushed art gallery, where your insufferable friend insists on lecturing you about the complexities of the brushstroke, try Artechouse. The new digital art gallery recently moved to South Beach, and this place is nuts. All the installations are interactive, inviting guests to manipulate the art by waving their hands or jumping up and down. You can actually touch things without being tackled by a vegan, Warby Parker-wearing art history major named Arrow. Five minutes here and you'll start to understand why your cat loves the laser pointer. It's like somebody gave Art Basel an edible.
Vizcaya Museum & Gardens
3251 S. Miami Ave., Miami
Did you once spend 45 minutes telling knock-knock jokes to an orchid after eating two of your roommate's nuclear-strength brownies? Then you might enjoy a joint and a stroll through Vizcaya, where stoners can feel at one with nature. Erected in the 1910s by James Deering — who was probably either high himself or compensating for viciously small hands — this huge estate is now open to anyone with $22 in their pocket. At this truly remarkable property, you can wander 20 acres of mind-blowing gardens that'll make you feel like you've gone back in time, especially when you make eye contact with the brontosaurus-sized iguanas living their best lives in the gardens.
The Standard Spa 40 Island Ave., Miami Beach
If relaxation is an art form, the Standard is the fucking Louvre. You won't find a worried face at this über-hip spa hotel. And, yes, that's partially thanks to the high levels of Botox that've been injected into the Standard's superwealthy clients — but it's also because the pool and spa are a notoriously effective one-two punch of pampering. The catch is that not just anyone can waddle into the steam room here, which is kind of a good thing, as anyone who's visited the steam room for seniors at the local YMCA can attest. If you're not a member, a day pass will run you $75 to $150. Normally, we'd say screw that and go sneak into our rich friend's pool, but this place is worth it. You'll agree with us as you bake (while baked) in the tranquil sauna.
Planetariums have been stoner safe spaces for many generations of doobies. Chances are your mom and dad used to get high and make out in one. Maybe their parents did too. Right here in the 305, the tradition continues at the new, high-tech Frost Planetarium. The 250-seat space employs 16-million-color 8K projection and envelops viewers in its 67-foot dome screen. The Laser Friday shows happen twice a month (on the first and third Friday) and pair music from Pink Floyd, Daft Punk, and other acts with a dope laser show. Don't call yourself a stoner unless you've been to one. Just maybe take it easy on the making out — this is a family venue.
There are ten colorful Palacio locations in Miami, and any of them would be ideal for a person who just ripped a bong the size of a didgeridoo. There are two reasons: The first is the very tasty Cuban food, which you can just point to and select cafeteria-style in case you're too blitzed to speak. Second is the fact that the portions come in large, extra-large, Kodiak bear emerging from hibernation, and Subaru hatchback. Plus, their fresh-squeezed juice is a miraculous antidote for cotton mouth. This place is the opposite of gastric bypass surgery, and you're going to smell like lechón for a month.
Miami isn't much of a comedy city. To most touring comics, Miami is known as the place where you're most likely to be assaulted midset by a heckler wearing a 1994 Jeff Conine jersey. But there is one bright spot in the 305's fledgling comedy scene: Villain Theater. Overseen by a group of young Miami natives, this cute Little Haiti theater puts on weekly improvisation, standup, and more. Improv is the main attraction here, and it's hilarious. There are musicals, onstage interviews that become ridiculous scenes, and even drag every now and then. Prepare to giggle.
Coral Castle Museum
28655 S. Dixie Hwy., Homestead
This outdoor rock-sculpture garden is capital-"T" trippy. The Homestead enigma was built by a tiny Latvian man named Edward Leedskalnin. As the legend goes, Ed got his heart crushed by a smokin' gal named Agnes and was so broken up about the whole thing he decided to create a monument to her in the form of Coral Castle. He began building it in 1923, and his work still stands today. The thing is: No one knows how Ed did it. At just 100 pounds soaking wet, he apparently built the huge sculptures with no help from anyone else. It's all very Twilight Zone. And we have a feeling if Ed were alive today, he'd be spamming you on Tinder.
Photo by Bruno Fontino / Courtesy of the GMCVB – MiamiandBeaches.com
South Pointe Park 1 Washington Ave., Miami Beach
ere's an afternoon for you: Roll a joint, smoke the joint, go to Joe's Take Away, get fried chicken and key lime pie, walk one block to South Pointe Park, spread a blanket, pig out, and watch big-ass cruise ships drift by while you mumble to your friend, "Dude, like, how do those things, like, float?" Good question, dude. And though we don't really know either, we do know there is fried chicken and key lime pie in front of you. Focus on that, and when it runs out, go get more.