For the life of me, I'll never understand the concept of fans getting into fights over sporting events, and let's be honest, there are degrees of absurdity in this behavior. It's one thing to start a brawl and risk assault charges over perceived disrespect of your professional team, standing up for millionaire athletes who likely wouldn't take a leak on you if you were on fire, but it's entirely another level of dysfunction to start a donnybrook with fans from an opposing college team.
You're fighting, like actually trying to hurt other people, over one of two things (or both): Either you're defending a bunch of 18-year-olds who are way more concerned with getting laid and playing ball than they are with what you think of them, or you're defending a school that likely overcharged you by about 500 percent for your college degree.
Either way, if you fight at a sporting event, you're a loser. However, I'm glad you exist, because there are days that are light on news, so thank you to the pudgy, pasty Florida State and Miami fans who threw hands at this past weekend's edition of that annual rivalry, a 28-27 Hurricane win on the field and a TKO of some poor Seminole fan off it.
The video is here, and the Zapruder analysis is below. Let's get to the tape:
OK, let's break this down, and I am going to assume anybody in maroon is with Florida State and anybody in some shade of green is with Miami. Here we go:
0:00 — The film begins with a maroon-clad man already down and being attended to by a gal in a cutoff shirt and cutoff shorts. The ratio of clothes that qualify as "cut off" is much higher in the state of Florida than anywhere else. This goes for football games and society in general. Maroon Guy on the ground has a green-shirted, fat, bald dude raining blows on him. This is one of about a half-dozen fights going on.
0:04 — A second singles bout slides toward the screen when an FSU fan decked out in the black-with-maroon-shoes getup tangles with a shorter Hurricane fan, and Shorty is a victim of his alligator arm reach at the moment. Hawaiian Shirt Guy is trying to break up the fight, but because he is Hawaiian and inherently calm, he is not creating the required urgency. (We learned from Deshaun Watson that Hawaiians are calm people after he said as much about Ka'imi Fairbairn and his game-winning field goal against the Colts.)
0:05 — Now, the guy to watch in the Black-Shirt-versus-Gator-Arm-Hurricane fight is the second Seminole fan, decked out in the traditional maroon. He catches a stray fist from Gator Arms and tumbles to the ground. Dude is out, and he's gonna be in concussion protocol longer than Kevin Johnson. He spends the rest of the video like he's dead in the background. It's very distracting.
0:07 — At this point, the fat, bald guy pounces on the FSU guy, who is now doubling as a corpse. Thankfully, security steps in with a rear chokehold. Gator-armed Hurricane fan decides, for some reason, that with roughly 20 people filming this melee, it would be a good idea to flip-toss the security guard onto the concrete floor while he's trying to disengage a 300-pound man from killing an already-dead person a second time. I hope Cane Fan's short gator arms will be able to reach into his wallet, because once he's identified, he will be paying a hefty fine.
0:12 — In comes another Seminole fan in a maroon T-shirt to waylay that wussy Gator Arms. Good for Seminole Fan! However, bad for both of them because they spill onto the concrete floor. I'm sorry, I know the adrenaline is rushing, but that has to hurt.
0:17 — With a possibly dead Seminole fan, whom nobody is attending to, as a backdrop, Gator Arms Bald Guy and the security guard are engaged in some old-school catch-as-catch-can rasslin'. It's a regular Lou Thesz versus Frank Gotch stretch-fest, Mean Gene! SECURITY GUY VERSUS BALD CAN GUY WOULD BE A MAIN EVENT ANYWHERE IN THE COUNTRY, JESS!
0:20 — We pan to the left, where Gator Arms and the save-the-day Seminole guy are in a tussle of their own, and a chick is trying to pry them apart, while some gutless Seminole fan decides it would be fun to poke random punches into a human entanglement of limbs. Very brave.
0:27 — As a woman screams in the background like it's a terrorist attack, the dead Seminole fan still lies on the concrete with zero attention. It's like he is invisible. I keep waiting for him to sit up like the Undertaker.
0:34 — The person filming this fiasco was clearly getting a little too close to the action, as we get about eight seconds of shoes, garbage, and the concrete floor. This cameraman will never advance beyond random college football fan fights if he can't stay on the action. This is like someone filming Hurricane Harvey and all we are getting are shots of puddles. Get it in gear, man!
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0:37 — We go back to the carnage, where we see a Seminole fan on hands and knees, and people are finally at least looking at the dead Seminole fan.
0:40 — For you perverts wondering where the hot chicks are, well, here is your gratuitous "running boob" shot, as a handful of young women, closing the cameras on their phones, scurry out of there as fast as they can. This is a sign that cops are probably arriving off-camera to the right.
And, as always, once the cops show up, the party is over. If anyone out there has an update on the funeral arrangements for that dead Seminole fan, please let me know. Judging by the urgency of the uninjured people in this video, I think there's a 50/50 chance he is still lying there in the concourse at the stadium.