The Miami Dolphins are 3-0. They're also in first place in the AFC East. Oh, and they're one of only four undefeated teams in the NFL. But most important, the Miami Dolphins are a lot of fun.
There is no gentle way to put this, so we are just going to come out and yell it in your face: MIAMI IS A FOOTBALL TOWN NOW. PLEASE ADDRESS ALL ENVELOPES TO MIAMI, FLORIDA: FOOTBALL TOWN, USA. BEST TEAM IN THE NFL: POPULATION, U.S.
Late in the Dolphins' 28-20 comeback win against the Oakland Raiders yesterday, the Fins found themselves down 17-14. Things looked bleak. They couldn't move the ball, and all of their defensive players were either getting ejected or taken away on a stretcher, to the point where Jesse Davis, an offensive lineman, had to enter the game on defense. It seemed like the same old Dolphins, blowing another opportunity to be special against a bad football team.
Then The Albert Wilson & Jakeem Grant Show began, and everyone took off their pants. Ushers collected all the unused pants and passed out protective sleeves for fans to place on their seats. It was a no-pants party,
The Wilson & Grant Show started off with a bang. Wilson took an end-around from Frank Gore and launched a pass to a wide-open Grant for a 52-yard score. At this point, all
WELCOME TO SOON THEREAFTER. THE SECOND EPISODE OF THE WILSON & GRANT SHOW WAS LIT. STAND BY FOR PANTS REMOVAL. YOUR PANTS ARE FLAGS NOW. WAVE THEM IN THE AIR.
On the next possession, it was Wilson's turn to score, but he refused to do so without bringing along his best friend, Grant. The two high-fived on their way into the end zone, like good best friends do. All the Raiders could do was watch as these best buddies made a professional sports memory that will last a lifetime.
Obviously now pants-less Dolphins fans had out their phones and MacBooks to fire off some no-pants tweets, as one does. Dolphins fans aren't quite sure what to do with their hands now that the Dolphins are not only good but also fun and good. All of this is a little overwhelming. Though exciting, it's a lot to process. Please respect Dolphins' fans privacy as they deal with this newfound emotion of "happiness."
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The Dolphins will travel to Foxboro to face the New England Patriots next weekend. If the Fins beat the Pats on the road to move to 4-0, babies will be made. All of the babies will be named Jakeem and Albert. That is the law now.
Football is fun when the Miami Dolphins win — a New Times investigation. We've been working on this story since August, and we're pleased to confirm the results are staggering: When the Miami Dolphins win, life is good.