Chicago Bullshit

The Miami Heat is faster than a lie out of a lawyer’s mouth, stronger than the Colossus of Rhodes, and better at shooting than a sniper in Afghanistan. They dunk more baskets than a scuba-diving Easter Bunny and break more opponents’ ankles than a kick boxer with steel shin guards...

By Jacob Katel

December 11, 2014

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The Miami Heat is faster than a lie out of a lawyer’s mouth, stronger than the Colossus of Rhodes, and better at shooting than a sniper in Afghanistan. They dunk more baskets than a scuba-diving Easter Bunny and break more opponents’ ankles than a kick boxer with steel shin guards. They could make a layup if the lights went out. They’ve got more game than Milton Bradley. They play harder than a boulder in a poker tourney. They fly through the air like their jerseys are jetpacks. They grab so many rebounds they make octopuses wish they had more arms. They could no-look pass while doing handstands and still make the play. They’ve left so many defenders in the dust the Sahara regularly takes notes. They catch fire quicker than lightning strikes in the Everglades. And they’re gonna treat the Chicago Bulls like a Spaniard screaming “toro” and poke so many holes in their offense they’ll be begging for the coup de grace. Watch the Heat vanquish the Bulls this Sunday at American Airlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami). Tip-off is 6 p.m., and tickets cost $30 to $400. Call 800-653-8000 or visit nba.com/heat.
Sun., Dec. 14, 6 p.m., 2014

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