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Zombies Suck: Five Monsters We Hope Make a Comeback this Halloween

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5. Mummies Are Better Than Zombies

Here's a good transitional monster for those apprehensive about adjusting their supernatural creature intake. It's a scary step, but think about it: Mummy's are baaasically zombies with a cooler costume--love the bandages,baby. They're so 1999 BC-- and a sexy and/or mystical ancient Egyptian mythology.

4. Vampires (And No We Don't Mean Twilight) Are Cooler Than Zombies

The new wave of Vampires--led by tween-lust fantasy novel and film series Twilight, and adjusted for "adults" by True Blood--is pathetically trying to modernize the classic aesthetic. We want our vampires to act and look like an elusive, kinda creepy, metrosexual uncle circa 1950.

3. Witches Are Better Than Zombies

Harry Fucking Potter not only spoiled this classic pseudo-feminist (witches were highly misunderstood) archetype by introducing a whole bunch of crap that has nothing to do with witching's core principles of snatching babies to brew in your cauldron and organizing the world's supply of razor-blade trick-or-treat candy.

2. Chupacabras Are Better Than Zombies

What do you mean nobody ever solved Miami's chupacabra craze of the mid-90s? Are you trying to tell us that shit is still loose?

1. Cookie Monster Is Better Than Zombies

Cookie Monster is truly a monster after our own heart. No time for village wrecking, explorer terrorizing, or Munchkin abuse. This guy is all business. And by business, we mean unabashed, no-shame gluttony. Can you imagine if in place of a bunch of lazy corpse paint and half-assed shouts of "Braaaains!," Lincoln Road was subsumed by a Cookie Monster walk?

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