This Friday, YouTube sensations, Jessica and Hunter, are getting comp'd all weekend as the hosts of Chambord Vodka Weekend. In case you don't live on the Internet, they are a campy duo from Los Angeles whose viral videos target celebrity culture.
We managed to find the two majah celebs conscious long enough to give us an interview and boy, are we glad we did. Jessica and Hunter spoke to Cultist about hitting Twist on South Beach, the health benefits of mango-vodka-protein smoothies, and about waxing Lil Wayne's eyebrows and dressing him in neon green zebra print.
New Times: What are you looking forward to doing in Miami?
Jessica & Hunter: I mean, we have been prepping for Miami for weeks now with shopping, starving, waxing, plucking, plumping, and bleaching! Can't wait to hit all the haute clubs and showing off our bedazzled size 000 Ke$ha for Target tankinis at all the cute pools and lathering ourselves in Kardashian cocoa butter at the beaches to get a nice dark orange! And, obvs, we'll be getting Wastey the Clown on tons of amazeballs and super cute Chambord Vodka cocktails! We will also be on serious celeb stalk watch 'cause we have heard the fiercest of the fierce strut through Miami! Duhzies!
If you had the chance to party with any local celeb while you're in Miami -- J-Lo, LeBron, Matt Damon, Enrique Iglesias, Trina, Lil Wayne -- who would it be?
Hunter: Lil Wayne for suresies! He is always rolling deep and popping bottles and the most brill haute spots! He's majah. I totes need to do a makeover for him though, totally start with getting his eyebrows waxed and then get him in some supes hot neon green zebra print, dropped crotch skinny jeans by Versace and a shredded tank by DSquared and then maybe some highlights and a yellow fox tail to complete the look! It might take a few cosmojitos.
Jessica: OMGesus...well, we would die to get to party with any of those hot-as-balls A-listers! I mean, ever since Enrique Iglesias got that disgustoid monster mole removed, he totes looks like Hunter's dopple. Usually we don't hang with old people, but since J-lo is getting divorced from that weird skeleton-singer she was with, we'd want to take her out and show her a ridickydonk time to cheer her up!
What clubs do you plan on hitting while in South Beach?
Jessica: Um...all of them! But if we can't hit them all -- like in case Hunter passes out in the back of a dumpster from binging on too many churros at Gloria Estefan's restaurant -- then we will def be hitting dinner at the Anglers Hotel, Mova, the Clevelander Hotel, the pool at the Catalina Hotel, Score, the new Johnny's Miami, and the Palace! We'll be wearing ferosh pink outfits to match our Chambord cocktails!
Hunter: Yes all of those spots and our friend is friends with a manicurist who does Madonna's nails and she told us about the tree house at Twist. I will be dragging Jessica by her vacation braids to every thumping spot on the strip till I find my Ricky Martin!
We heard somewhere that you were fat in high school, but now you look so fab. Any diet tips?
Hunter: Ugh... the bad news is out. Yes, we were two tons of no fun, like a couple of pudding pops. We were like Kevin Federline and Kirstie Alley; we've totally changed through, I am on a steady diet of gigantic coffee, slim quick shots, and Red Bull -- it totally kills your appetite and the ability to think straight. I love to hit the gym and strut the treadmill in my studded Louboutin studded hi-tops to our haute mess single, "What's Your Favorite Drink?" while sipping on my mango/vodka/protein smoothie. When I really get the munchies I lurve to stare at donuts while eating 5 frozen peas -- and then purge of course.
Jessica: Well...it's true, I was a total half-ton teen shut-in when I was in high school. But my dad took me down to Mexico to get illegal gastric when I was in tenth grade, and ever since then my stomach has been the size of an eyelash! Also, I go on the Master Cleanse every month, well, OUR version of the master cleanse. It keeps me looking supes anorexic-ferosh. I only drink "Marga-MasterCleanse-atinis" for a week straight, which are made with Chambord vodka, low-carb margarita mix, 10 Splendas, and a dash of Taco-Bell fire sauce. It really gets your metabolism going!
When you go out partying, do either of you cock-block the other?
Jessica: Sometimes people think I'm a drag queen, and they assume Hunter and I are a couple. It's flattering, I mean drag queens are gorge and amazeballs, but I'm not a drag queen. I'm all woman and I'm wearing a super plus vodka soaked tampon to prove it.
Hunter: Shocking, I know but it's true -- super plus! We never cock-block; we are just really supes picky for each other. So if Messica is ever talking to some borebots barney with aqua socks and dockers then I will totally fake a stroke so she has to rush to save me. That's what good friends do for each other. I mean, last week Jessica totally saved me from going home with some stealth hautie that was wearing D&G sunglasses... from last year...boozies.
What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast?
Hunter: Excuseria? Ewww.... but if I'm at the end of a four-day, Charlie Sheen bender, stinkberry will do in a pinch. It keeps me full for like six days.
Jessica: I'm usually not up before 3 p.m. most days unless I have a super early important appointment to get to, like getting my Jessica Simpson extensions put in, or getting my butt implants rotated. So I don't normally "eat" breakfast. Ewwwwww.
Why do you guys think that you were chosen to host Chambord Vodka Weekend?
Hunter: Probably because it's a staple in our weekend diet! There's nothing more fabulous than getting Chambord Vodka bottle service! Everyone stops to stare when they bring that ferosh gold encrusted bottle to your table, it's like a gift from Prince William and Kate Middleton. And we lurve sipping a sexy and slightly sweet pink raspberry flavored cocktail - it's like drinking a Juicy Couture track suit!
Jessica: Well, it is for the fierce, ferosh, and fresh!
What accessory can you not live without?
Jessica: Muy obvioso...Hunter! Having a super fab gay with you at all times is the best accessory a girl can have! Plus, when he's not wearing his man-spanx he makes me look skinnier.
Hunter: I would die without three things -- my bronzer, my limited edition crystal crusted Louis Vuitton iPhone, and, of course, Jessica. I mean who else is gonna pay for our bar tab!
What do you want Miami to know about you?
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Jessica and Hunter: Hi-sies haut-ies! We want to see everything amazeballs about Miami and get tan lines in new places! We have to be BFFs, so come sip cocktailios with us and we can take pics and post them on Facebook and make everyone peanut butter and jealous!
Drink cocktailios with Jessica and Hunter during Chmabord Vodka Weekend taking place August 5 through 7 at various fabuloso venues throughout the 305. Advance weekend passes cost $40. Get your tickets by clicking here.