You Got Your Tostone in My Tuna Casserole!

Hello, Kitty:

I'm a single woman. My job recently brought me to Miami from Saint Louis for a month to start up our Southern branch and I'm having a hard time fitting in. It's not so much the fact that my hair can't take the humidity (though it can't), it's just that I can't find guys I want to date or even hang out with. I'm used to conservative types — I guess they'd be called gringos down here. I'm not racist or anything. I'm just used to a certain type of guy and want someone who is like me. I don't know how to describe it, but I feel like everyone here is something other than 100 percent American. I'm no flag-waving Confederate, but jeez, can you tell me where I can find a nice boy-next-door type who knows who Bob Dylan is?

Noquiero Ricky

Hey, Noquiero:

Wow — equal-opportunity dater you are not, huh? Well, these next few weeks are going to be rough on your pussy, because when your bosses sent you down here, they were actually transporting you to the land of interracial dating. One of the best things about Miami is that it's a melting pot of different cultures, so you get the chance to savor the flavors of many different kinds of men. But since you like your bread white, you might have a problem, Lucy. I understand why you want to stick with your own kind, because a big part of a relationship is having common interests and shared experiences. However, I also think you should let a variety of swimmers wade in your dating pool. Life is all about experiencing things that will make you more interesting when you're 80 years old and telling "When I was young ..." stories from a rocking chair. Between sips of your mint julep, wouldn't it be fun to tell your granddaughter about how you took your twat on a virtual trip around the world in 30 days? You might think you like only one type of guy, but how will you know until you try? It's to take your sexual experiences from white rice to jambalaya, and our city is full of penises that are Latin, Caribbean, European, Asian, Australian ... well, you get the idea. And get this: You'll learn things about other cultures that your boy-next-door can't teach you. You don't have to marry Mr. Venezuela; just let him put his tostone in your tuna casserole. What I'm saying is, expand your legs and you'll expand your horizons. But just in case you're stuck on stupid and have no intention of getting your cooch some affirmative action, I'm at your service. My first thought was to tell you to find the nearest John McCain headquarters, but all of those stiffs are in Minneapolis for the Republican National Convention. So until they get back, buy a dildo and name it Brad. That should do. Meow.

E-mail [email protected], or visit

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Raina McLeod
Contact: Raina McLeod