Why Miami Christmas Is the Best Christmas

It's Christmastime again! It's that time of the year when the weather gets colder and the people get warmer (generally), and when red and green become the most popular colors around town (and on ladies' fingernails). The radio stations start playing that jolly Christmas music, and the cheesy - yet equally classic - holiday movies are on repeat on your TV guide.

It truly is a great holiday, and the only thing that can make it better is a Miami Christmas. Yesterday, my colleague made the case that spending Christmas in South Florida is worse than having all your presents stolen by the Grinch. But for those of you who think Christmas is all about snow or mittens or scarves or freezing cold weather, ya'll got another thing coming. This holiday is primarily about family and good friends, and while you can take your family and friends out of Miami, it's best if you didn't.

Miami Christmas is the best Christmas, and here are five reasons why:

See also: Why Miami Christmas is the Worst Christmas

5. Santa's Enchanted Forest

Yesterday, Hannah argued that Santa's Enchanted Forest doesn't exactly provide the traditional Christmas experience. But come on -- don't pretend as if you've never been there. Sure, it can get a little grimy -- especially if you've been going since your chonga middle school days -- but it is festive nonetheless. You can take a picture with Santa, and then pig out to carnie fare (before eating a pig of your own --but more on that later). Santa's is a Miami thing, and we're okay with that.

4. Penis Trees

We Miamians like to be festive, and so in turn we make our houses appear just as festive. Problem is, we have some interestingly shaped trees. If you add some lights, the end result might be quite suggestive. What we're trying to say is, your front yard looks like a bunch of illuminated ejaculating penises.

Again, this is not necessarily a bad thing. It's actually rather appropriate, given Florida's nickname of "America's Wang." Plus, people love it. That meme has been all over all your friends' Facebook pages for weeks now. Is it dirty? Sure. Crude? Of course. Funny? Hell yes. But y'know what? Seasonal depression is real. If penis trees bring joy to the masses this holiday season, then let there be penis trees.

3. The Weather

The number one complaint about Miami during the month of December is how it's never cold enough. We're midway through the month and the temperature has barely dropped below 70 degrees. But, um, that's AWESOME, guys! That means you can still enjoy the beach in December. You can wear your favorite short skirt to Christmas dinner (no need to worry about your legs getting frostbite). Hell, you can even spend time outside and not worry about getting bitten by mosquitos. Stop complaining about the lack of snow and start thanking the Baby Jesus in a manger for this weather.

2. La Caja China

Thanksgiving has its staple meal of turkey -- however you cook it, be it with a beer can out back, or stuffed with veggies in the oven. During Christmas, we eat pig. The poor souls up north have to content themselves with the boring ol' butt cut of the animal. But Christmas in Miami means a nice puerco -- usually the whole damn pig -- slowly roasted to perfection in la caja China. It's a thing. Don't ask why, just embrace the tradition. And pity the children up north who don't get to fight over pig's ears at Christmastime.

1. Noche Buena

Christmas is a two-part holiday; there's Christmas Eve on the 24th and then Christmas Day on the 25th. In Miami, we take it upon ourselves to do the heavy celebratin' on the 24th, also known as Noche Buena. Forget Christmas morning, Noche Buena is the best. You get to feast on delicious pork from that caja China, dance the night away to some Celia, and then go home to open some presents! Oh, and the next day you get leftovers. It's a win-win situation.

Send your story tips to Cultist at cultist@miaminewtimes.com.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >