Film & TV

Who Should Play Casey Anthony in the Inevitable Lifetime Original Movie?

Sociopathic brat Casey Anthony was found not guilty yesterday. And because it tastes like chloroform, it's a hard verdict to swallow. Anthony's multitude of lies and visible ambivalence towards the still cryptic death of her two-year-old daughter, Caylee, fueled most rational (with the exception of Nancy Grace) human beings (again, with the exception of Nancy Grace) with a sense of what's right (putting your kid in a car seat) and wrong (putting your kid in the trunk) with pure anger.

And if there were a bio-pic, who would play Casey Anthony? Should it be someone who vaguely resembles her (a young Carol Burnett, in which case, we'd also need a time machine...preferably of the elevator variety) or has experience playing someone allergic to morals (Angelina Jolie)? Nah. Anthony, like the people who wrassled one other to get into her court room, is about as classy as a Lifetime movie. So here's our contenders -- actresses who frequent the girliest channel cable ever queefed -- to play Anthony:

Melissa Joan Hart:
Hart looks nothing like Casey, but she looked nothing like a witch either and look what the amazing costume department at Sabrina the Teenage Witch did to make Hart look authentically wtichy. Just look at her, holding a black cat -- total witch! And from this Emmy-snubbed role, Hart learned the fine craft of playing a character that lies, which is the only thing Anthony has been found guilty of. And boy does Sabrina lie -- lies to Harvey about her feelings towards Josh, lies to Jenny about her feelings towards Harvey, lies to Jenny about turning her into a grasshopper. Liar! Just like Anthony! Burn her at the stake.

Shannen Doherty:
If 90210 taught us anything -- other than getting burned in a fire will make you join a cult and that the Peach Put is the only restaurant in L.A. -- it's that Doherty plays a great bitch. If roles were reversed and Anthony were to play Brenda Walsh, we wonder what kind of fate Kelly Taylor would've faced for wearing the same dress as Brenda to prom.

Lori Loughlin:
Squeakly clean, super ethical, Aunt Becky?! Uncle Jesse's spunky wife with beautifully natural wave-like bangs who always had a cliched moral and a hug whenever any of the Tanner girls stumbled? Yes! It'll be a stretch for Loughlin, especially since she's like 20 years older than Anthony, but if she pulls it off, we smell Oscar. Or rather Day-Time Emmy......!!!!

Lindsay Lohan:
Although she's not a Lifetime regular yet, we feel like if you dumped some shoe polish on Lohan's ratty weave, she'd look a little like Anthony. Hey, they both have freckles...and a tendency to lie endlessly, point fingers, wear bikinis, have serious issues with their daddies, are self-absorbed, and have the tendency to make tons of mistakes. Except no one has ever accused Lohan of possibly murdering anything...but her career.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel