Tracy Morgan will headline the Fillmore Miami Beach tomorrow night as part of this year's South Beach Comedy Festival. If you're unable to get a ticket, don't sweat it; you can recreate the experience by standing by the nearest shirtless man dry humping an invisible lover, and whipping your brain into a meringue with a hand mixer.
Is Tracy Morgan really that crazy? The people of Australia certainly think so. Women's rights activists were protesting this week's run of shows on the grounds that he's crazy misogynistic and crazy sexist. Crazy!
We're still excited for the show, but does Miami really need to import weirdoes? Take a shot at answering some of the same questions we asked him over email during his recent stay in Australia. How would you answer? Are you crazier than Tracy Morgan?
Take our quiz and find out. Each multiple choice includes one of Tracy Morgan's real answers and unrelated answers from a 1981 interview with Charles Manson, a 1979 interview with Pol Pot, and Bradley Cooper's Q&A in this month's Details magazine.
1. How are you spending your time in Australia?
a) Hanging out with the wonderful people here, sightseeing, going to zoos, landmarks and seeing things I've only seen on postcards before.
b) I cut the dude's ear off because he was fucking over Bobby.
c) There was a need to solve the problem of food for the people, as well as the realization that there was a plan by US lackeys to attack us.
d) I begged my father to send me Valley Forge Military Academy. I found the number in the Yellow Pages. He said no.
2. How do Australian women compare to American women?
a) Oh, I like them. They're nice. If they're put together well and everything and they're soft and spongy, yeah, they're nice. As long as they keep their mouth shut and do what they're supposed to do.
b) The best way I can answer that is to say we're surviving. Both of us.
c) The existence of irrigation systems is an important factor which can secure a high yield for rice and other farm products.
d) No comparison. All women are god's greatest creations.
3. Have you had any regrettable encounters with a koala bear?
a) One pooped on me.
b) I punched my mother out once.
c) I only talked to him on the phone. And I've since corresponded with his wife. The whole thing is just awful. I mean, two young kids.
d) It was a deception. Furthermore, they proposed a new border demarcation which took away a vast part of our territorial waters. We saw this as sheer expansionism.
4. A life-affirming encounter with a koala bear that you will remember forever?
a) Going to the White House to meet with Joe Biden was definitely memorable. He's a master. Comes in the room and comes right up to you. To everyone. He doesn't give you a second to be insecure. He turns your brain right off and makes you feel completely at ease.
b) I learned to box and cry.
c) One pooped on me.
d) We decided to become the first to smash the US imperialist plan, preventing them from attacking us when we entered Phnom Penh.
5. You are one quarter of the way through being nominated for all four segments of the EGOT. Could you predict what performance would get you a Grammy nomination?
a) I exhale a lot. I was thinking about this yesterday.
b) Don't know. I'm not trying to win a Grammy.
c) The future will be decided on the basis of practicality. This is why we told you that we do not have a blueprint or a readymade model.
d) I just take a can and start banging on it, you know. But we used to have some cosmic gatherings back in the mountains that would probably shake a Mormon Tabernacle Choir's eardrums.
6. An Oscar nomination?
a) My role as a father.
b) This cocky asshole of a guy.
c) It is extremely filthy.
7. A Tony nomination?
a) That's what a woman's supposed to do.
b) Taking rubber as an example, we can produce it in reasonable quantities but the quality is not yet up to standard.
c) You go through stages in your life, and fatherhood seems like a natural stage.
d) My role as a father.
8. What's the one thing you always make sure to do while in Miami?
a) We must avoid causing any burden to the people and keep money mainly for financing national construction and defense efforts.
b) Walk around, play a little handball, play a little guitar
c) Get a virgin daiquiri.
d) You want to feel shitty about yourself? Boom -- it's easy.
9. What words or images would you absolutely refuse to have tattooed onto your body?
a) Word is that you're an old woman. Word is you have turkey in sky.
b) I refuse to have my woman's name tattooed on my body as people say that it means you will break up.
c) Our slogan is: "When we have rice, we can have everything."
d) "It's probably not easy for her, by the way, to be living with her son."
Tracy Morgan performs at the Fillmore Miami Beach on Friday, April 19, at 8 p.m. Tickets start at $35.50 plus fees. Visit fillmoremb.com for more information and to purchase.
Tracy Morgan answered: 1. a, 2. d, 3. a, 4. c, 5. b, 6. a, 7. d, 8. c, 9. b
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Charles Manson answered: 1. b, 2. a, 3. b, 4. b, 5. d, 6. d, 7. a, 8. b, 9. a
Pol Pot answered: 1. c, 2. c, 3. d, 4. d, 5. c, 6. c, 7. b, 8. a, 9. c
Bradley Cooper answered: 1. d, 2 b, 3. c, 4. a, 5. a, 6. b, 7. c, 8. d, 9. d